The Transcendental Teenage Journals of Royce - 27 July 2002

PREFACE

I write from my present in 2022, and you now join me as a reader in whichever timeframe you wish; as we connect to my teenage self in 2002, age 15, through my lovesick-ening journey of being a chubby gaysian, coming-of-age in a Church-owned high school, in a third-world Islamified country.

This is part thought experiment and part self-rediscovery. A way to recognise the psychological patterns which I have turned into habits in my life. Over time, I can see my belief system sustains my actions, my actions are repeated into habits, and those habits have defined my character in the eyes of others. So, who am I...to myself though? My solution is to come up with the third part of Royce, the Transcendental Royce, to help integrate my 2 chronological selves back into where they belong in my psyche.

The Transcendental Teenage Journals of Royce - 21 October 2000

[Preface]

As I continue writing this series, transcribing my own younger mind from paper to digital format, I find it confronting to revisit my past thoughts, immaturity, and suppress the "what the hell was I thinking?" response. However, it feels therapeutic as I shall now include comments on how I would advise myself from the future. 

I shall basically pretend to be a time traveller, interacting across time-space with my teenage self through my journal and imagine if I could/would change key turning points in my life.

I've also come to realise that it is my vain attempt at immortality and legacy. I say vain, because nothing lasts forever even if it is the internet, and it is playing to my ego; Yet it gives me a way to validate my existence, and hopefully help others in the future, even if I feel like I can't help much now.

This project is painful and embarrassing because I saw my teenage self as a strange otherworldly creature stuffed into a dark-skinned nerdy gay fat suit, who had multiple personalities, hypersensitivity, and didn't play the role of a Human very well at that.

In saying that, the goal for me here is to be thankful. A Gratitude Journal EXtraaa, because technically this is going to be a journal within a journal, but aimed at gratitude, for who I've become.

----------

 [21/10/2K]

Exams have ended! finally relax time. These few weeks though, I had bad luck following me, like, almost getting kidnapped by an Indian man, losing my pencil box, lose my housekeys, huge headaches, fall sick when I walk back home in the rain, people being unkind, hurting me, LRT train spoilt, and so much that I forgot.

(Future Royce: "Well roycie, I know it can feel like a lot. If it's bad luck, it can't be targeted at you so don't worry too much, it is simply a pattern of unfortunate things, and you being observant is a good thing to hone. Let's look at ideas to not lose stuff so much though.")

Only recently there was some happiness. It was last Saturday at Bukit Kiara, I was sitting in the coffee house waiting for Mum and Pa at a wedding while playing Yellow version Pokemon. I played till I got giddy, had to stop. I went to the paddock where the wedding was held to look for my parents. 

I tried to call my father, then I saw my mother and Rose, so I walked over and started eating a little of the buffet, even thought I got to eat as much as I want, I'm starting to get tired of all this Bukit Kiara food and buffets...

(Future Royce: "Wwoah, entitlement alert!. don't get bored, get creative, mix those flavours and make new combos.")

Then I sat at a table to eat and I thought the wedding would be damn boring but it didn't turn out that way! So, after I ate, I asked my mother if she wanted to dance, and so we told the DJ to totallly start turning poolside into a disco party. So we started dancing, they played good music, and someone fell into the pool. then another pushed someone into the pool! Then one by one, people were pushed into the pool. By then, lots of people had to leave soaking wet. great night.

(Future Royce: "I think this is your first taste of what we will be calling 'Clubbing' later on. Good that you are using the good memories to balance out the bad. The gratitude you have for that moment already got you through the so-called 'bad luck', and more of those gems will get you through life's sequence of events. Oh, and Pokemon will totally be big again someday, start practicing how to draw them...although you think 151 pokemon is a lot now...hah! wait till you get to when I am.")

[End of entry]

The Teenage Journals of Royce- 7-8, May 2000

 The year 2000, the first year of the milennium (or is it the last). There is so many damn things that happened this year.

Let's start from the new milennium celebration, it turned out I didn't follow my family, instead I followed Teresa to Bintang Walk to celebrate with Meng's family and I ended up in Sri Sempurna. Its sort of a nice change but transportation is the only problem...I have to wake up at 6.30 am to walk through a graveyard to the LRT station.It's about half hour trip from my house to school . 

Around Chinese new year, I went to Klang, then when I came back Ah Cheik (Uncle) died, after that we went with my mom's side cousins to India, Madras. for my stepaunt's wedding. She married a Brahmin. 

Then we moved home and Ah ma moved in with Ah Sum. We moved in to Menara Pelangi (Rainbow Tower), then I went on this wonderful cruise called the Star Cruise: Virgo, everything was paid through by this electronic card. like magic, you could do or buy anything.

Then things got dull, I couldn't go stay with meng long (Teresa), she went with Efflene to London for 3 months. and Wendy had exams, so do I, I hope school ends soon. 

And this guy Sheng Song, I hate him like anything, He's the most annoying person on earth, May Halloween and Christmas be a lot more fun I hope.

by Royce aged 13

The Teenage Journals of Royce- Thursday 23, 12,1999 (Cloudy)

 Thursday 23, 12,1999 (Cloudy)☁

It is near the year 2000, and everyone is excited about it. I'm celebrating it at Bangsar, Pa's usual drinking place.

I'm now writing this on his working desk. He's just right in front of me and he does not know that I'm writing on my diary. I mean he doesn't even know that I have a diary. hehehe....☺

I've already graduated from Lai Meng and I've left all my friend with that school, I'll just have to make new friends at my new school. UPSR results were already out last month...A's and B's. 〰

The Sarawak trip last month was tiring especially the jungle trekking. I got left behind! with some other slower than me students. at least I wasn't last. It was quite fun though.

My piano lessons for the next week and the week after are just nice public holidays, meng long and ah teng's exams are dead at last. I'm so happy it is.

These days Meng Long just complains about her hamster who has been eaten by her other hamster, I wish she'd just eat her hamsters and say "Haha! I'm a big fat hamster who eats other hamsters because I have no sense, haha, don't blame me! just like me! big & fat!"🕃

By Royce at age 12

Mind Field : YouTube channel on the deep questions of Science

Obsessed! I love this channel

Normally I go on YouTube to 'turn off' my brain, but this series is as intellectually stimulating as any science documentary. Exploring complex questions in a modern & entertaining way, I don't know how I missed this channel all these years. Highly recommended if you dare to challenge your mindset.

S01: https://youtube.com/playlist...

S02: https://youtube.com/playlist...

S03: https://youtube.com/playlist...

Google Translate Ruins Shakespeare Sonnet

Hey there, In the age of a global house arrest, one watches lots of YouTube and Netflix as is the new customary worldwide pastime.

I binged an endless stream of videos and the thing I laughed loudest at, is this bizarre game by Markiplier and Ethan in their series Unus Annus titled:

We Played Mad Libs And Ran It Through Google Translate

I don't know why, but it tickled some part of my brain that must be very witty because it was read as a story turned into a joke by translation and shifts of subtle innuendos. 

I enjoyed it so much that I shall repeat the experiment Mark and Ethan of Unus Annus have done, using Google Translate, then I also saw on Graham Norton's show, that Dame Judi Dench is currently going through all 154 sonnets by Shakespeare, as Graham casually called the Dame to ask her during a mock Who Wants To Be A Millionaire show over video chat.

The Best Lockdown Moments Of Season 27 On The Graham Norton Show | Part One

He also later mentioned this to Sir Patrick Stewart, who is also reading the sonnets.

Inspired by the Dame and Sir, I've decided to use Sonnets and allow technology to butcher these with its poetic algorithms.

Original Sonnet 138

When my love swears that she is made of truth

I do believe her, though I know she lies,

That she might think me some untutor’d youth,

Unlearned in the world’s false subtleties.

Thus vainly thinking that she thinks me young,

Although she knows my days are past the best,

Simply I credit her false speaking tongue:

On both sides thus is simple truth suppress’d.

But wherefore says she not she is unjust?

And wherefore say not I that I am old?

O, love’s best habit is in seeming trust,

And age in love loves not to have years told:

Therefore I lie with her and she with me,

And in our faults by lies we flatter’d be.

Google Translate into Malay:

Sonnet 138

Apabila cintaku bersumpah bahawa dia dibuat kebenaran

Saya percaya, walaupun saya tahu dia berbohong,

Agar dia menganggap saya pemuda yang tidak baik,

Tidak berpengalaman dalam kehalusan palsu dunia.

Dengan sia-sia berfikir bahawa dia menganggap saya muda,

Walaupun dia tahu hari-hariku sudah melewati yang terbaik,

Cukup saya memuji lidahnya yang salah:

Oleh itu, kedua-dua pihak adalah kebenaran yang sederhana.

Tetapi mengapa dia mengatakan bahawa dia tidak adil?

Dan mengapa tidak mengatakan bahawa saya sudah tua?

O, kebiasaan terbaik cinta adalah dalam kepercayaan,

Dan usia cinta suka tidak bertahun-tahun memberitahu:

Oleh itu saya berbohong dengannya dan dia dengan saya,

Dan dalam kesalahan kita dengan pembohongan, kita akan menjadi sanjungan.

Google Translate into Mandarin:

十四行诗138 当我的爱发誓他说出了真理 我相信，即使我知道他在说谎， 为了让他认为我是一个糟糕的青年， 对世界的虚假微妙经验不足。 认为他认为我年轻时徒劳无功， 即使他知道我的日子过得最好， 我足以称赞他的错舌： 因此，双方都是谦虚的真理。 但是为什么他说他不公平呢？ 为什么不说我老了？ 哦，爱的最佳习惯是信任， 爱的年龄不等于岁月： 所以我对他撒谎，他对我撒谎， 而在我们谎言的错误中，我们会受宠若惊

Google Translate into Maori:

Sonnet 138
Ka oati taku aroha he pono tana korero
Ki taku whakapono ahakoa i mohio au he teka ia,
Kia whakaaro ai ia he tamarikitanga kino ahau,
Te ngoikoretanga o nga wheako o nga tinihanga teka o te ao.
Whakaarohia i whakaaro ia he horihori ahau i taku taiohitanga,
Ahakoa ka mohio ia ko taku koiora te pai,
Ka taea e ahau te whakamoemiti ki a ia mo tona arero he:
No reira, ko nga taha e rua he pono pono.
Engari he aha ia i kii ai he he tana?
He aha koe ka ki atu kua koroheke ahau?
Aue, ko te maatauranga pai o te aroha ko te whakawhirinaki.
Ko te tau o te aroha kaore e rite ki nga tau:
Na ka teka ahau ki a ia, ka teka ki ahau:
Ana ki nga he o a maatau korero teka, ka patipati tatou.

Google Translate into Hindi:

गाथा १३ Son मेरा प्रेम शपथ लेता है कि उनका कथन सत्य है मेरा मानना ​​है कि भले ही मुझे पता था कि वह झूठ था, कि वह मुझे दुष्ट पीढ़ी समझे; दुनिया के झूठे धोखेबाजों के अनुभवों की कमजोरी मान लीजिए उसने सोचा कि मैं अपनी युवावस्था में बेकार था, हालांकि वह जानता है कि मेरा जीवन अच्छा है, मैं उनकी गलत जीभ के लिए उनकी प्रशंसा कर सकता हूं: इसलिए, दोनों पक्ष सत्य हैं। लेकिन उसने यह क्यों कहा कि वह गलत था? आप क्यों कहते हैं कि मैं बूढ़ा हो गया हूं? ओह, प्यार की सबसे अच्छी समझ विश्वास है। प्यार की उम्र साल के समान नहीं है: इसलिए मैंने उससे झूठ बोला और मुझसे झूठ बोला। हमारे झूठ की त्रुटियों के लिए, हम सराहना करेंगे।

Google Translate into Spanish:

Sonnet 13 Hijo

Mi amor jura que su afirmación es cierta

Creo que aunque sabía que era mentira

Para que me considere una generación malvada;

Debilidad de las experiencias de los falsos tramposos del mundo

Supongamos que pensara que yo no valía nada en mi juventud,

Aunque sepa que mi vida es buena,

Puedo alabarlo por su lengua equivocada:

Por lo tanto, ambos lados son ciertos.

Pero, ¿por qué dijo que estaba equivocado?

¿Por qué dices que soy viejo?

Oh, la mejor comprensión del amor es la fe.

La edad del amor no es lo mismo que la edad:

Así que le mentí y me mentí.

Por los errores de nuestras mentiras, lo agradeceremos.

Google Translate into Arabic:

حبي يقسم بيانك صحيح

أعتقد أنه رغم علمي أنها كانت كذبة

ليعتبرني جيلا شريرا.

ضعف تجارب الغش المزيف في العالم

لنفترض أنه اعتقد أنني لا قيمة لي في شبابي ،

على الرغم من أنني أعلم أن حياتي جيدة

أستطيع أن أمدحه على لسانه الخاطئ:

لذلك ، كلا الجانبين صحيح.

لكن لماذا قال إنه كان مخطئا؟

لماذا تقول انني كبير في السن؟

أوه ، أفضل فهم للحب هو الإيمان.

عمر الحب ليس مثل العمر:

لذلك كذبت عليه وكذبت على نفسي.

على أخطاء أكاذيبنا ، سنقدرها.

Final Google Cross-Translated Sonnet 138

Sonnet 13 Jr
My love swears your statement is true
I think even though I knew it was a lie
To consider me an evil generation.
Weak fake fraud experiences in the world
Suppose he thought I had no value in my youth,
Although I know my life is good
I can praise him for his wrong tongue:
Therefore, both sides are correct.
But why did he say he was wrong?
Why do you say that I am old?
Oh, the best understanding of love is faith.
The age of love is not the same as age:
So I lied to him and lied to myself.
For the errors of our lies, we will appreciate them.

Original Sonnet 138

When my love swears that she is made of truth

I do believe her, though I know she lies,

That she might think me some untutor’d youth,

Unlearned in the world’s false subtleties.

Thus vainly thinking that she thinks me young,

Although she knows my days are past the best,

Simply I credit her false speaking tongue:

On both sides thus is simple truth suppress’d.

But wherefore says she not she is unjust?

And wherefore say not I that I am old?

O, love’s best habit is in seeming trust,

And age in love loves not to have years told:

Therefore I lie with her and she with me,

And in our faults by lies we flatter’d be.

Reading the final version of the sonnet somehow made it feel like Google is having a midlife crisis. "Why do you say that I am old?" felt very passive-aggressive there. It is interesting to see the result of Shakespeare lost in translation across 6 languages. Fun experiment to try.

Journal Therapy: Hero Of My Story

Mood: Afraid 
Location: Sydney

Rationale: I've been watching a docu-series on Netflix - Myths & Monsters which discussed the pattern of stories throughout human history. This got me to thinking about how I could use this plotline to influence my subconscious and navigating my 'mindgarden'.

If the purpose of my journal therapy is to create a more orderly, positive landscape within, what better way than to overlay a heroic story for myself, combining my love for creative writing with the emotional need for a relatable storyline. So I shall begin...

---

PART 1: A STORM IS COMING

Once upon a time, there was a young boy, and we use the term 'boy' loosely, as sometimes, he would prefer to be a 'she', not a woman or a girl,  but a more effeminate form of himself, with a large range of states in between. Suddenly conscious of sitting on a stump in the middle of a wide field, a single street lamp shone down from above. 

The landscape was dark, the sky above cloudy like a storm was about to arrive, but it seems to have always been like this. Instinct nudged against his mind, a soft alarm to find shelter, a safe space where there would be peace and comfort. 

Despite not wanting to leave this familiar spot, There was a fluttering of shadows that he thought must be his friends. They were black ravens, diving sharply from above and right past him. 

He cried "Wait! don't leave me alone!", but deaf to his words, they flew onward into the pitch black sky, melting as if they were the same essence of the gloom ahead, leaving him to run in his slow, sluggish footsteps. 

In the silent dark, not being able to catch up, it began to feel truly lonely, quiet tears streamed down his face, each drop marked the heavy expression on his face. He had walked so far that his sitting stump was no longer visible. He decided there was no choice but to move ahead, tucking his hair  behind his ears in the blowing winds.

He came upon wild brambles that had strange whispering plants. A wet sheen covered the leaves, reflecting his own blurry image that he realised he had never seen before. What did he actually even look like? He stopped to smell some roses that he liked a lot, he named them and decided they were his sisters. He asked them why was he lost, but each gave him a different reason from their limited understanding. They spoke lovely words and comforted him, but he knew they had not given a true answer as none of them resonated with him. Walking slowly and cautiously, there were also thorns that hurt his feet as he made the journey towards the garden. Again he wanted to stop but had nowhere to rest. A scary lightning snake flashed through the clouds. It zig-zagged across the sky, forked tongue flicking in the quick winds, heralding the storm that was about to break.

He saw a humongous tree far away, towering over layers of growth, he couldn't separate the shadowy outlines of bush and hedges, but could only stumble painfully towards the general direction. He looked back and wondered how far he had journeyed from the beginning, and he wished for someone who could help him. Another lightning snake zapped out of the sky and struck a bush nearby, lighting it on fire. The flame danced and grew, turning into a sparkling form. Long straight tresses revealed a beautiful breath-taking face with an aura so powerful, she must be a goddess!

PART 2: LADY JEWEL

The bright aura was a purple nimbus, shimmering around her long sparkling hair and naked form. She looked at him and asked, "Why are you so sad my child?" 

He was afraid, in awe and yet, desperate for a friend. He shyly replied, "Can you help me? I think I'm very lost". She smiled, eyes large and hypnotic, made of embers that gave off no heat but brightened her surroundings. "Do not hold onto your fears, you are stronger than you know, your search will be blessed as it will also bring joy to others, so I will lend you my strength", she said as she held out her hand.

Afraid to be burnt, he crept slowly towards her, wanting to be like her so he could shine a light into the darkness, and bring joy to others so that maybe his friends would return, ending his solitude. He squinted his eyes and touched her flaming hands, the flames didn't burn but instead flowed over his skin and melded through him. The electric fire swallowed him as she and he became one. For the first time, he felt what must be Courage, warming the chilling grip of fear and loneliness. He glowed with an aura of different colours, letting him see more of the path ahead. He heard her voice within, telling him to continue on and not to give up.

Suddenly he floated above the thorny path and could see that the shadowy outlines resolve into a maze of hedges and bushes stretching much further than he first thought. The winds seem to push him ahead like a bubble caught in a breeze. Floating past the last bit of the field's edge, he arrived at the huge leafy wall of the hedge maze. The entrance was to the side, its opening guarded by three large statues, towering over him with a stony gaze that brought some of the dispelled fear back into his heart. Each guardian sent a fierce thought into his mind, challenging him, blocking his path until they deem him worthy to cross.

PART 3: THE GUARDIAN OF BODY

The first guardian statue had a large platform before him, the platform had numbers and an arrow that pointed at 0. When he stood on the platform, that arrow spun to a humongous number, indicating how cumbersome and heavy he was. The guardian said "Thou shalt not pass! you are not the ideal weight", then proceeded to show calculations of the correct size he should be for his current state of being. The guardian struck at his mind and from the impulse blossomed a sense of deep shame. An awareness of his shapeless wobbling form dawned upon him, causing him to suddenly expand and contract just as quickly. He tried running around the walls of the maze, stretching himself this way and that to become the correct shape, but he would always snap back in the wrong position, size and weight. 

With a sense of despair, he sat on the judging platform and stared at the large scary numbers, absently he plucked at a nearby fruit and started to chew, then to munch, later to binge on the entire fruit bush before stopping himself. The arrow on the platform swung up and up, numbers growing ever larger, making him panic though he just ate more in response. His mid-section soon bulging like rolls folding on top of each other.

---

...Will he ever get past the first guardian? tune in next time on my next Journal Therapy entry.

Journal Therapy: Slow Start

Date: 29/12/19
Mood: Netflix mode
Location: Sydney

I thought I could commit to writing every day, but it turns out it's much harder to overcome my habit of binge-watching Netflix & Youtube.🎬

Work shifts have kept me busy. Some days are good and some days are horrible as I work in hospitality and cater to fussy VIPs at an RSL club. I have to put on a constant smile and appease so many that at the end of the day, I don't feel like engaging my brain any further and find it easier to just spectate a fantasy world on TV.🎦

I have to admit however, the 'Preface' post I wrote did make me feel subtly better. I noticed a positive note of my daily thoughts. Perhaps it's like a subconscious cheer that my mind knows I am willing to work on the deeper 'self'. The inward gaze is of meditation, is like a gentle sunrise over the garden of the mind.🧠 yes I choose to spew buddhist fantasies in times like these.

I have been convincing Wins that Melbourne is a far better fit for me, than Sydney as a city to live in, as what I'd call home. I was supposed to go on a road trip with him until New Year's Eve, but had been denied my 'leave application' as apparently I was not allowed to take these holidays off even though I am just working a Casual. This is one of the poisonous weeds I have identified in my mental garden - Resentment. 😡

I know focusing on this feeling makes me hate my job. However, this work takes up so much of my waking hours, mental energy that it is hard not to use it as my main fuel of daily life.

Putting it in this way though, it seems silly. Life is more than a job or even a career. I am tending to a weed in the mind garden, when I should be planting/tending to a fruit tree, and aim to grow a mental orchard instead.

Time to be more consistent, jumpstart the new year and rethink my mind-garden's focus...🔍

Journal Therapy: Preface

Date: 22/12/19
Mood: Jaded
Location: Sydney


It's been a long time since I delved into my Mind Garden. I was talking to Winson, currently visiting me during his break from research in India, and we got to talking about our inner state of mind over dinner.

He brought to my attention how I have been numbing the days away with my Netflix, wine, and chocolate, waiting for the day that solutions present themselves. The thing is that I've been feeling jaded and numb with my life's plan progress. Obviously, I thought I would be a better place, not a worse state of mind. Yet, I find myself wanting to distract my attention from the reality of what I chose for myself, which is to migrate to Australia.

I didn't choose to live in Sydney, as I have no close friends or family here. Yet this time here has served to teach me how independence changes me. It showed me how important that sense of belonging and emotional support is to me.

During this period close to Christmas, I surprise myself that I am just wanting to get over it, as it now represents a busy period of work to me, and I think nothing much of spending it with loved ones or creating that warm family ambiance where being thankful and giving is celebrated.

I look inward to seek the reasons for being so nonchalant and find that my mind is an overgrown garden. I have not wanted to tend to it, manage the overgrowth because it was easier to just tell myself that's the way nature intended it to be. Self-help gurus will tell you that there is no naturally positive or negative mindsets, only 'trained' mindsets. So perhaps I have trained a wild train of thought that leads to its own crash every time I try to focus.

In an attempt to 'reset' the mind, the conversation I had with Winson led to the conclusion that I need to do internal gardening work to find the 'roots' of the psychological issues. This work can take years, but at least I would be trying. I am at least self-aware enough to sense that I have a lot of suppression. for the long term, it is probably unhealthy to leave that alone. This period of journaling is meant to help me take stock of how to prune the growth and weed out the parasitic mold.

Like old rotting trees, they lend their surface to smaller issues, manifesting like mushrooms on a dank moist day. I get easily irritated by small challenges and take offense at the slightest comments. I know that comments are not directed at me, but even overhearing certain conversations makes me on edge, letting me know that I am taking it more negatively and personally than I need to.

I also acknowledge that I have been putting up a mental hedge to hide the issues, so much that it feels like a hedge maze, with a few rotting old trees covered in shrooms somewhere over yonder, behind my eyesight, or I should say, mindsight. I suppose I could hide things from myself psychologically, and what better way than a mental image of a maze that distracts and befuddles me whenever I get close to the center of my mind's/emotional truth.

Time to start weeding my mind, bringing to light some old rooted disorders and hopefully finding a brighter 'me'. That's all for now, I will be back to navigate my mind maze.

With love and compassion for myself, Royce.

Life Chapter: Sydney Starter

JUST MOVED INTO CAMPSIE, NSW

I write this with a sense of tense internal pressure that has been building up, because things are not settling down.

I have been trying to hold back a whirlpool of emotions, just trying to ride the waves on the edge, but not get sucked into its endless depths. This is now my default state since leaving Malaysia in May this year.

It is coming to four months migration to Sydney, I thought adjustment wouldn't be so hard, I thought I was prepared since I've done it before in Melbourne, but the hardest part is actually a subconscious psychological issue - lonesomeness. 

Yes, we all have modern social media. However, I knew from the start of this techno-revolution, that it's a substandard way of connecting with your loved ones and cannot replace the soul-nourishing vibes of having their presence and company. 

Everyone says to be patient, "it (adapting to a new place) doesn't happen so fast, just take baby steps and you will get there, you will make new friends". 

It annoys me that they are right/justified and I have to pull out more patience where there is none. (If only throwing dramatised fits will get you somewhere, I would so achieve everything)

HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN TO GET HERE

I have waited over 7 years to get back to Australia, I stayed for 5 years in the same company just to fulfill the requirements of the Aussie immigration policies, initiated my migration application in Aug 2017, and finally got it in Jan 2019 thanks to NSW invitation letter. So it feels like I've invested so much already, but honestly, I was always aiming for Melbourne, not Sydney. So technically I'm still waiting.

I feel disappointed that the universe isn't making my path smoother, so I tell myself that perhaps there's a good reason that I was 'called' to Sydney, maybe some greater purpose I can't yet see. This leads me to have high self-expectations, to search for this purpose, and quickly open the door that might trigger all my dreams coming true. This is the internal stress/pressure I feel, why can't I see the Universe's point of me being here?

A PERIOD OF RESPITE IN MELBOURNE

Last month, I got myself into a situation where I asked to leave the rental room I was in, but the new unit was not yet vacated, so I became technically homeless for a month.

I decided to fly over to Melbourne for that long-awaited trip, reconnecting with Aunt LB and cousins. It was so satisfying to my soul, I really felt the difference of having people that can support you if disaster strikes, its a subconscious safety net operating across every decision I make.

I could totally see the purpose of this technically unplanned trip because I felt like a useful human being again, I bought a 1-way ticket and didn't know when I would fly back to Sydney, as there was no moving out date from the tenant then. 

There I was, waiting for my new apartment, living with Aunt Elbie in Ivana's pink room. The sense that I was a squatter was displaced by having family that I trust & the knowledge that I was back in my beloved city. 

HOW MELBOURNE HAS CHANGED FOR ME

It was wondrous to see the changes to Melbourne after 9 years! Walking around the CBD gave me tingles as new high-rises and shops overlayed familiar hangout spots from my Uni days. Everywhere I look, a mental screen pops up and plays flashbacks, stirring and bittersweet, faded in reminiscence but its emotional tones still ring clear to me.

I don't know why I've been chasing the dream of moving back to Melbourne CBD for nearly a decade. But finally being on Swanston street again, the deluge of memories, the ease of navigating, access to close friends and the presence of RMIT where both my degree studies and first job were. It was just confirmation that Melbourne's appeal has not reduced for me.

I was even blessed with a last-minute booking for an Airbnb right on Swanston & Collins, at Capitol Theatre. Kiani stayed with me, Jamie visited me; and for four blissful days, I lived my dream, my ideal life.

Then the unit in Campsie was finally ready, the fairytale clock struck twelve and I flew back to my new empty Chinatown pumpkin of a home, I'm referencing Cinderella because, like her, I worked hard for years just for a few nights of magic, which just as quickly ended.

I want to summarise that basically, I'm giving myself grief on top of the stress of this new move. My heart is torn between 2 places, stuck in Sydney because of my PR needs, yet completely emotionally attached to Melbourne and the friends & family there.

Self Emotional Processing & Recording Session Complete 

How To Plan & Grow Your Own Organic Veggie/Flowerbed Garden

Easy DIY Planting Guide For Your Home Garden

I remember my grandmother always having her own little herb garden in front of our house.

She didn't really teach me how to do it but I learned how to do it with YouTube gurus and occasional gardening books.

I read that Cinnamon, Honey, and powdered Aspirin are great rooting agents.

To start, I used a baking tray with cotton pads and some sterile potting soil, also wrapped seeds between paper towels and kept that in a sandwich bag. The last experiment was propagating coriander in water.

The best results were propagation in water and wet paper towel in a sandwich bag. I guess peat moss in a baking tray was exposed to microbes and mold, killing seeds before germination.

I went to the DIY shop to get some Peat Moss, which many sites rave as the best alternative. You can also try making your own with some of these recipes - https://balconygardenweb.com/homemade-seed-starting-mix-recipes/

Most supermarkets also carry herb seeds and garden flower seed.

Moving on, I needed to decide how to plant my flowerbed and where would I like my blooms to greet me every time I walk in and out of the house.

I got the blueprints of my home and recreated my real-life home in one of my all-time fav games - The Sims! it took some time but I managed a fully decorated sim simulated garden with cyber plant growth.

I wanted to be exact so I even included my home furniture to know how much space has already been used, and how much space was left for my garden design.

Real-life view of my outdoor lawn where I decided to put most of my DIY garden. You can see some tree "crutches" because trees get "Tree Shock" when they are uprooted and moved for replantation.


In the far back, you will see a greenhouse of netting, made for our own organic veggie farm. We grew spinach, cabbage, kailan, & bok choy.

That's it for now. I hope you guys will be inspired by this humble post and start your own garden.
It's not only good nutrition for your family, but it also reduces pollution as you don't need heavy transport to deliver these organic veggies to you.

Good luck & green thumbs up!

Royce's Garden - How To Grow Your Own Garlic

HOW TO GROW YOUR OWN GARLIC - A GROWING PASSION

Living in a concrete jungle makes us more used to neon signs and plastic items. Sometimes, I feel the sharp lines and harsh borders that make up our cosmopolitan environment gives me mild Claustrophobia. I really miss the ambiance of nature as we move towards modernization.

One nightmare was frightening to me, I was flying in the city, but no matter how high I flew up the glass buildings, the facades wouldn't give way to blue skies but became a blank neon blue screen. I woke up to the realization I need some Nature energy in my life.

If you've got unused garlic in the fridge that seems a bit dried out. Don't throw it, break up the bulb into little cloves and soak that in water.

Being stored in the fridge will trick the Garlic into thinking it was just winter, when you take it out to soak, the temperature change triggers the sprouting process.

***

DAY 1: Take garlic out of the fridge, skin is removed and garlic cloves broken up and soaked in warm, PURE water (filtered or bottled water is good, tap water is chlorinated which is bad for seeds), leave in warm area to soak for a few days. Seeds do best when only 50% is in water and 50% above surface.

***

 

DAY 3: Learnt from YouTubing-Gardeners that CINNAMON POWDER or HONEY are excellent rooting hormones. They have antifungal properties which keeps the cup from stinking and protect seed from infection. Garlic roots quickly proliferated and sprouts reached cup height.

***

DAY 5: Garlic shoots have reached out of the cup height and roots seem crowded in the plastic cup. Time to transplant the cloves into the ground and hopefully each will turn into a full bulb.

***

DAY 7: For transplantation into a spacious pot, I got good cheap ones from DAISO and MR. DIY shops. so the roots can establish themselves. Using a mix of peat moss + compost + potting soil. (This is the most successful mix so far for sprouts)

I buried each clove about 2 inches deep into the soil. They have been very happy since and I have not had to tend to the batch at all. Will update with actual pictures soon.

NEXT UPDATE: Garlic Shoots -1 Month Later 

NEXT GARDEN POST: Royce's Home Veggie & Flowerbed Garden Planning

(Royce's Garden Before Landscaping)

I will be sharing my garden design plans using The Sims 3 home builder. The fun links to download some tropical plant skins and other awesome freebies.

I plan to share my own process of learning the gardening skill, doing my part to elevate our global natural environment.

The Science of Sleep - LoRe (Lessons of Royce)

THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP

(From Royce's Footnotes)

I have had the fruitful opportunity to receive a lecture on the technicalities of sleep, conducted at my company  - Tropicana office tower.

The speaker is a sleep doctor, or sleep specialist, which can also be your GP or Ear, Nose & Throat specialist. There is the American Board of Sleep Medicine - http://absm.org/ to understand the collective of Sleep scholars in the field of Somnology.

R.E.M - Rapid Eye Movement

There are 5 stages of REM sleep and we begin our sleep by entering heavier, uninterrupted sleep at the start and progress into longer alternating intervals of light REM sleep and Deep (Non-REM sleep).

TOOLS OF THE TRADE

(PSG)
http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/guide/polysomnogram

EEG (electroencephalogram) to measure and record brain wave activity

EMG (electromyogram) to record muscle activity such as face twitches, teeth grinding, and leg movements; it also helps in determining the presence of REM stage sleep.

EOG (electro-oculogram) to record eye movements; these movements are important in determining the different sleep stages, particularly REM stage sleep.

EKG (electrocardiogram) to record heart rate and rhythm

Nasal airflow sensor to record airflow

Snore microphone to record snoring activity

SLEEP DISORDERS

These are just some of the known / common sleep disorders that people experience, but equal to the variety of minds out there, surely there are also more types of sleep disorders that remain unrecorded and undiscovered.

Approved Solutions

I personally am an advocate of natural remedies such as the healing art of scent.

Aromatherapy

The allopathic medical community would recommend Melatonin supplements, of course, you should seek professional medical advice before going for these.

Melatonin Supplement

Hope this information helps you get a better quality of sleep at night.

Good Zzz's to you.

Moon Rabbitch

illustration by Royce Tan T.G. (The Great)

When the moon disappears from the sky, we know that it has been eaten.
Because on the moon, there lives a creature with long sock-like ears, huge padded feet, as cute as a bunny.
BUT, this adorable sack traps a dark soul and is called ... the RABBITCH
(*A terrifying creature created when a bunny voodoo doll was used to trap that spirit in The Ring's horror video... I digress, ehem.)

The Rabbitch is trapped on the Moon with no body and no food.
The Rabbitch is always hungry and she is always angry.
Angry enough to eat rocks; and she does.
Piece by piece, She eats the moon in 28 days.
Her bite marks are craters, her crumbs are comets.

The Rabbitch has done this over and over again for eons.
Perceivable only as the Moonshadow.
Every once in a while, she gets powerful enough to eat the sun, which they call a Solar Eclipse.
The Chinese characters for Lunar eclipse are = 月食Yuè shí

月= Moon

食= Food/Eat

When the moon is full you can see the Rabbitch'es shadow with a good telescope.

Over time humans have collected proof of her existence.

Now you know why the moon gets eaten every month.
Appreciate the Moonlight, before it is consumed anew.

Learn more about Japanese Moon Rabbit Legends on the WIKI : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moon_rabbit

Royce's Dawn of the 21st century Report- Christmas 2013 Dear Future.

Dear Future,

It is Christmas 2013 and I am reporting from the 21st century.

In the globalised times, A crashing of culture has yielded a very aggressive lifestyle.
I have just returned from the city centre, Bukit Bintang and it's shopping centers.

Huge signboards of neon tubes glare whilst even brighter headlights flare at bypassers.
The streets are crowded to dangerous levels and the transport system undergoes city-wide remodeling, putting every citizen's life in peril.

I was on the monorail, and the train was so late that the escalator became congested, and when people got to the top, they could no longer step off, then it seemed like a factory of humans about to get meat-grounded... falling backward and getting 'chunked' on the spiky steps.

People screamed and then everyone spread out on the platform.

No one died. Many psychologically disturbed.

I  looked at the hot and bothered faces of the people. There was general concern.
We are a long way from mastering any efficient mass transport system that can be safely implemented with convenience.


The malls were full of shoppers, everyone spending illogical amounts because the gifting tradition has huge corporates pumping advertisers, marketing and research teams to do so.

Digital gadget prices are dropping faster, and accessories diversifying, with an all time high consumer affectation for it.