The Transcendental Teenage Journals of Royce - 27 July 2002

PREFACE

I write from my present in 2022, and you now join me as a reader in whichever timeframe you wish; as we connect to my teenage self in 2002, age 15, through my lovesick-ening journey of being a chubby gaysian, coming-of-age in a Church-owned high school, in a third-world Islamified country.

This is part thought experiment and part self-rediscovery. A way to recognise the psychological patterns which I have turned into habits in my life. Over time, I can see my belief system sustains my actions, my actions are repeated into habits, and those habits have defined my character in the eyes of others. So, who am I...to myself though? My solution is to come up with the third part of Royce, the Transcendental Royce, to help integrate my 2 chronological selves back into where they belong in my psyche.

Journal Therapy: Slow Start

Date: 29/12/19
Mood: Netflix mode
Location: Sydney

I thought I could commit to writing every day, but it turns out it's much harder to overcome my habit of binge-watching Netflix & Youtube.🎬

Work shifts have kept me busy. Some days are good and some days are horrible as I work in hospitality and cater to fussy VIPs at an RSL club. I have to put on a constant smile and appease so many that at the end of the day, I don't feel like engaging my brain any further and find it easier to just spectate a fantasy world on TV.🎦

I have to admit however, the 'Preface' post I wrote did make me feel subtly better. I noticed a positive note of my daily thoughts. Perhaps it's like a subconscious cheer that my mind knows I am willing to work on the deeper 'self'. The inward gaze is of meditation, is like a gentle sunrise over the garden of the mind.🧠 yes I choose to spew buddhist fantasies in times like these.

I have been convincing Wins that Melbourne is a far better fit for me, than Sydney as a city to live in, as what I'd call home. I was supposed to go on a road trip with him until New Year's Eve, but had been denied my 'leave application' as apparently I was not allowed to take these holidays off even though I am just working a Casual. This is one of the poisonous weeds I have identified in my mental garden - Resentment. 😡

I know focusing on this feeling makes me hate my job. However, this work takes up so much of my waking hours, mental energy that it is hard not to use it as my main fuel of daily life.

Putting it in this way though, it seems silly. Life is more than a job or even a career. I am tending to a weed in the mind garden, when I should be planting/tending to a fruit tree, and aim to grow a mental orchard instead.

Time to be more consistent, jumpstart the new year and rethink my mind-garden's focus...🔍

Journal Therapy: Preface

Date: 22/12/19
Mood: Jaded
Location: Sydney


It's been a long time since I delved into my Mind Garden. I was talking to Winson, currently visiting me during his break from research in India, and we got to talking about our inner state of mind over dinner.

He brought to my attention how I have been numbing the days away with my Netflix, wine, and chocolate, waiting for the day that solutions present themselves. The thing is that I've been feeling jaded and numb with my life's plan progress. Obviously, I thought I would be a better place, not a worse state of mind. Yet, I find myself wanting to distract my attention from the reality of what I chose for myself, which is to migrate to Australia.

I didn't choose to live in Sydney, as I have no close friends or family here. Yet this time here has served to teach me how independence changes me. It showed me how important that sense of belonging and emotional support is to me.

During this period close to Christmas, I surprise myself that I am just wanting to get over it, as it now represents a busy period of work to me, and I think nothing much of spending it with loved ones or creating that warm family ambiance where being thankful and giving is celebrated.

I look inward to seek the reasons for being so nonchalant and find that my mind is an overgrown garden. I have not wanted to tend to it, manage the overgrowth because it was easier to just tell myself that's the way nature intended it to be. Self-help gurus will tell you that there is no naturally positive or negative mindsets, only 'trained' mindsets. So perhaps I have trained a wild train of thought that leads to its own crash every time I try to focus.

In an attempt to 'reset' the mind, the conversation I had with Winson led to the conclusion that I need to do internal gardening work to find the 'roots' of the psychological issues. This work can take years, but at least I would be trying. I am at least self-aware enough to sense that I have a lot of suppression. for the long term, it is probably unhealthy to leave that alone. This period of journaling is meant to help me take stock of how to prune the growth and weed out the parasitic mold.

Like old rotting trees, they lend their surface to smaller issues, manifesting like mushrooms on a dank moist day. I get easily irritated by small challenges and take offense at the slightest comments. I know that comments are not directed at me, but even overhearing certain conversations makes me on edge, letting me know that I am taking it more negatively and personally than I need to.

I also acknowledge that I have been putting up a mental hedge to hide the issues, so much that it feels like a hedge maze, with a few rotting old trees covered in shrooms somewhere over yonder, behind my eyesight, or I should say, mindsight. I suppose I could hide things from myself psychologically, and what better way than a mental image of a maze that distracts and befuddles me whenever I get close to the center of my mind's/emotional truth.

Time to start weeding my mind, bringing to light some old rooted disorders and hopefully finding a brighter 'me'. That's all for now, I will be back to navigate my mind maze.

With love and compassion for myself, Royce.

Life Chapter: Sydney Starter

JUST MOVED INTO CAMPSIE, NSW

I write this with a sense of tense internal pressure that has been building up, because things are not settling down.

I have been trying to hold back a whirlpool of emotions, just trying to ride the waves on the edge, but not get sucked into its endless depths. This is now my default state since leaving Malaysia in May this year.

It is coming to four months migration to Sydney, I thought adjustment wouldn't be so hard, I thought I was prepared since I've done it before in Melbourne, but the hardest part is actually a subconscious psychological issue - lonesomeness. 

Yes, we all have modern social media. However, I knew from the start of this techno-revolution, that it's a substandard way of connecting with your loved ones and cannot replace the soul-nourishing vibes of having their presence and company. 

Everyone says to be patient, "it (adapting to a new place) doesn't happen so fast, just take baby steps and you will get there, you will make new friends". 

It annoys me that they are right/justified and I have to pull out more patience where there is none. (If only throwing dramatised fits will get you somewhere, I would so achieve everything)

HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN TO GET HERE

I have waited over 7 years to get back to Australia, I stayed for 5 years in the same company just to fulfill the requirements of the Aussie immigration policies, initiated my migration application in Aug 2017, and finally got it in Jan 2019 thanks to NSW invitation letter. So it feels like I've invested so much already, but honestly, I was always aiming for Melbourne, not Sydney. So technically I'm still waiting.

I feel disappointed that the universe isn't making my path smoother, so I tell myself that perhaps there's a good reason that I was 'called' to Sydney, maybe some greater purpose I can't yet see. This leads me to have high self-expectations, to search for this purpose, and quickly open the door that might trigger all my dreams coming true. This is the internal stress/pressure I feel, why can't I see the Universe's point of me being here?

A PERIOD OF RESPITE IN MELBOURNE

Last month, I got myself into a situation where I asked to leave the rental room I was in, but the new unit was not yet vacated, so I became technically homeless for a month.

I decided to fly over to Melbourne for that long-awaited trip, reconnecting with Aunt LB and cousins. It was so satisfying to my soul, I really felt the difference of having people that can support you if disaster strikes, its a subconscious safety net operating across every decision I make.

I could totally see the purpose of this technically unplanned trip because I felt like a useful human being again, I bought a 1-way ticket and didn't know when I would fly back to Sydney, as there was no moving out date from the tenant then. 

There I was, waiting for my new apartment, living with Aunt Elbie in Ivana's pink room. The sense that I was a squatter was displaced by having family that I trust & the knowledge that I was back in my beloved city. 

HOW MELBOURNE HAS CHANGED FOR ME

It was wondrous to see the changes to Melbourne after 9 years! Walking around the CBD gave me tingles as new high-rises and shops overlayed familiar hangout spots from my Uni days. Everywhere I look, a mental screen pops up and plays flashbacks, stirring and bittersweet, faded in reminiscence but its emotional tones still ring clear to me.

I don't know why I've been chasing the dream of moving back to Melbourne CBD for nearly a decade. But finally being on Swanston street again, the deluge of memories, the ease of navigating, access to close friends and the presence of RMIT where both my degree studies and first job were. It was just confirmation that Melbourne's appeal has not reduced for me.

I was even blessed with a last-minute booking for an Airbnb right on Swanston & Collins, at Capitol Theatre. Kiani stayed with me, Jamie visited me; and for four blissful days, I lived my dream, my ideal life.

Then the unit in Campsie was finally ready, the fairytale clock struck twelve and I flew back to my new empty Chinatown pumpkin of a home, I'm referencing Cinderella because, like her, I worked hard for years just for a few nights of magic, which just as quickly ended.

I want to summarise that basically, I'm giving myself grief on top of the stress of this new move. My heart is torn between 2 places, stuck in Sydney because of my PR needs, yet completely emotionally attached to Melbourne and the friends & family there.

Self Emotional Processing & Recording Session Complete 

Those Eyes of Blue Skies

Those Eyes of Blue Skies  


Light refracted in those clear blue eyes, seemingly to capture the exact hue of patchy cerulean sky above our heads. Those pair of lash-framed pools smiled, fleeting hints of secret knowledge danced in its depths. They seem to be focused on something in the distance and then back at my own deep brown irises, smiling right into the core of me. Transmuted into an old and familiar ache that begins to thump...thump...thump, somewhere much lower than where my heart should be, and simultaneously in my throat as well.


I held his gaze a moment more than I dared. Mentally chastising myself, I tear my sight away to find sudden interest in the floor. Side by side, two pairs of footsteps walking down a busy street, indistinguishable from the cadence of city-dwellers going about their lives, only separated by my own  mental bubble of 'Us'.


A fleeting taste of disgust creeps inside my throat.

'Weak.'

The thought came unbidden. A statement. It just felt like I shouldn't be so weak from a simple look! Do I not have any sense left in my head? Has all my past experiences not thought me anything?

He stops by the cold grey marble tables at the cafe, just as the light of day faded. With a twinkle in his now darker blue eyes, he announced that he will get us both Chai Lattes. I smiled, nodded and I kept my shroud of mystery as tightly as I could, betraying nothing in my expression.

The quicksands of time had robbed us of 2 years and it was the last day that I could still see him face to face. I stared at his back, scanned his leather jacket, willing a hole to sear through it as he waited in line. Perhaps if my wishes began to come true, I could wish us together...

I held the brown corrugated cup in my hands; Steam wafted in the air; a busker sat across the street strumming his guitar and a breeze blew twirling leaves onto the ground.

We were talking and I wanted to hold him like that in my head forever. Spirited, smiling...warm...

"Hey?" he asked.

His voice broke through my reverie.

"Hmm? Oh sorry, you were saying?"

I smiled gently to reassure him. He probably knew what was going on in my head, but tried to cheer me up anyway.

He was always trying to get me to see the brighter side of things... and I even saw it sometimes... but only through his eyes.

I absentmindedly tugged on my left earlobe again. A tell-tale habit of mine when I felt insecure. I took a deep sip, felt my heart climb up my throat again and said :

"I'm going to miss you."

yet the unsaid words hung in my mind.

{[ I still love you ]}

We locked eyes for a moment, the briefest moment; but to my bared soul, it was a silent eternity, sinking into the depths of those eyes...

************

My lids swept open and my pupils dilated in shadow-streaked darkness. (Inhale.)

A dream of a memory, one year past.

It had seemed so real, but leaked away as soon as I tried desperately to grasp it. Like slipping quicksand through fingers, only the sensation is left when you close your palms.

364 days and a quarter make up one year, but a year means very little when you've left your heart to drown in someone else's eyes. I regain an empty calm, staring out the barred windows into the abandoned night.

Awaiting the dawn to paint the skies, the color of his eyes.

Four 1 Eight, The blog is dead

four hundred and eight posts.

This blog has had a good long run. It takes me on a roller coaster ride whenever I read through my whole blog. I laugh at my own stupid thoughts, I cringed at my childish words and I sometimes wonder if I had any sense at all.

There's always a beginning and an end.

I hate endings, endings to anything at all. But one thing I've learnt about the world, is that balance is a principle. There has to be an end to each begininng, otherwise the beginning has no meaning. Hard as that may be to accept. I claim this as my milestone of maturity.

Time to move forward.

I shall use Tumblr from now on

http://roycetan.tumblr.com/

Virtues and Vices

Last night I had a dream... I lived in a world where everyone is born as a killing machine. Each person had skills that were meant for killing, and the world was filled with disgusting bloodthirsty creatures. I ran across the walls, defying gravity, the sweat prickling across my brow.
My fingers shot forth like spikes right into the horned beasts ribs and pierced its heart. It felt like a responsibility. It felt like my duty to just keep killing and growing in strength. For what purpose, I do not know, but I just had to kill.

I woke up to another dreary day.... Responsibility....
I remember many years ago my dad was the one that thought me that word. I had ran away to play with my cousin, to the bowling centre. I remember that split second where I had to choose between calling my dad and letting him know that I wanted to stay longer and risk him ordering me to go home, or I could just turn my phone off and I can play some more. I stared at the phone for a few more seconds, and I switched my phone off.

Needless to say, My dad tried calling me forever and then found me in the bowling alley. I was scolded like mad as he was worried that i had been kidnapped or something. That day, he taught me that responsibility meant that I had to put my commitments to others first, before my own playful desires.

It's a good lesson I've learnt. Now I try my best to consider others before myself. To put down my Pride. One of my deadliest sins. Shaza told me about the 7 heavenly virtues that i meant to fight the 7 deadly sins. Found this on Wiki


I love the Latin words, this is the 7 sins and virtues chart.

Virtue	Latin	Gloss	(Vice)	(Latin)	Virtue's Meaning
Chastity	Castitas	Purity	Lust	Luxuria	Abstaining from sexual conduct according to one's state in life. Embracing of moral wholesomeness and achieving purity of thought through education and betterment.
Temperance	Temperantia	Self-Control	Gluttony	Gula	Constant mindfulness of others and one's surroundings; practicing self-control, abstention, and moderation.
Charity	Caritas	Will, Generosity	Greed	Avaritia	Generosity. Willingness to give. A nobility of thought or actions.
Diligence	Industria	Persistence, Effort	Sloth	Acedia Tristitia	A zealous and careful nature in one's actions and work. Decisive work ethic. Budgeting one's time; monitoring one's own activities to guard against laziness.(The Vice "Acedia" is more commonly known as "Sloth")
Patience	Patientia	Peace	Wrath	Ira	Forbearance and endurance through moderation. Resolving conflicts peacefully, as opposed to resorting to violence. The ability to forgive; to show mercy to sinners.
Kindness	Humanitas	Satisfaction	Envy	Invidia	Charity, compassion, friendship, and empathy without prejudice and for its own sake.
Humility	Humilitas	Bravery, Modesty	Pride	Superbia	Modest behavior, selflessness, and the giving of respect. Giving credit where credit is due; not unfairly glorifying one's own self.

Bad Luck Streak

Fasten your seatbelts guys.
Royce is in for a bumpy ride.

Almost every year, the stars align to bring me....divinely bad luck.

I am not even kidding how bad this is. Those who have known me for a long time will know what I am talking about.
It is a phenomenon that follows me due to the whole ChanceBender gift/curse I am given.
Refer to my Past post - If you'd like CHANCEBENDER post
The bad luck streaks come with a theme sometimes. The ones that I remember and recorded in my diary are :

1. The 'Missing' Streak - This happened during Form 1 in Secondary school. I remembered that I just couldn't seem to find so many things.

• My house keys went missing
• my pencil box along with the stationery somehow fell out of my bag.
• My homework.
• My personal diary was missing, which I later found stolen by the crazy/down syndrome boy that sat next to me.
• 
• My actual teenage diary lol. I got it as a gift when I was 12 ok, and only used it at 15
  
• I was MIS-takenly punished for someone else's MIStake.
  

2. The Car Streak - This was a random series of vehicle related disasters when my little Kancil was in suicide mode. Refer to SUFEER post!

• I remember rushing to class to meet my project deadline and avoid failing,only to have my car breakdown in the middle of the road. I simply turned my hazard lights on and made a run for it.
  
• I received a Summons/Saman two days in a row, one was for a parking ticket that i had PAID for, but flipped over when I shut the door!
• I woke up half an hour late for an exam, drove halfway to realize I left my handphone at home, drove back for it, received a flat tyre right in front of the house, spent another half an hour changing the car tyre....found that my spare tyre was ALSO a flat. pushed it to the nearest car repair centre, found several more problems with the car, asked my mom to drive over with 200 bucks to pay for the bill, and drove there to spend another 30 mins looking for a car park. I was obviously late for the exam, and I don't know why I bothered anyway.
• Car almost got repossesed
  
• The car brokedown again on the way to lunch with Shaza and JT.
• When I went to pay my summons, I almost received another one while crossing lanes with a policeman on a motorbike. 'Luckily' he let it pass.
• 
  
  

3. The Relationship Streak - This was around the time I was in the second year of college.

• I got into a real bad fight with Winson and didn't speak to him for months - over beauty products...
• Then I had an explosion with Rachell which sparked a war of words - over a blog comment...
• I emotionally exploded and threw a tantrum in front of my mother,grandmother, and aunt - over balancing an account book.

It was like, nothing I did or say could be correctly interpreted and everyone just had to get on my nerves. Perhaps I was having some kind of severe hormonal imbalance... looking back, I still don't understand it.

This year seems like one big bad luck streak on its own. Moving house four times, The honours year pressure and fear of death thing.
However, for some reason it seems to have re-intensified in the last week. I am not going to get into the personal stuff of it. But so far :

• Throwing my 15000 word draft thesis out the window because I've been using the wrong jargon.
  
• The bad timing for renewing my student visa and medical checkup. I have to get an extension for the application deadline.
• That 1500 dollar gas bill a few posts ago, What the Farge is that? seriously?!
• I'm late for rent, and I'm financially insecure.
• I've just asked my parents for the rent, they said they'd pass through a friend of theirs, who's coming down to Melbourne today. This morning, I received an SMS from them saying that same uncle collapsed on the way to the airport, and is now at the hospital?! WTH!?

Somehow, I have a feeling that the bad luck streak is not over...and there is more to come.

A tortured and nervous Royce.

For a special Someone

For the Special someone out there,far away from me, You know who you are.



I like the cut scenes in the middle. it reminds me of the times together.

The Deep and Heavy Issues

Everyone has issues. Some seem trivial, some seem impossible.

What does it take to jolt a person out of the calm illusion of everyday life?
What makes a person take stock of their lives and ask "If I die tomorrow, Will I die happy?" Can I say I have done my best?

The Fear of death was my 22nd birthday present.

I currently face, almost every day and every hour, the thought of death. The idea of being nonexistent. or of being aware that I am dead. Of being in a sleep-like state.

the inevitability of it. The finality of it. the end of me as I know it.


I hate this urgent feeling. The sense of the running out of time. I thought it would go away eventually. One month doesn't seem to be the cure. I know this is a can of worms that everyone tries to avoid or remedies with faith that they dare not question.


So I try to understand it. Death is inevitable, therefore just live in the present, live in the now, just live.

I want to be close to my parents. I want all my relationships to be fulfilling and close. I want to be able to die fearless and knowing it was a life worth living. I want people to know the real me.

No I do not have cancer or any known fatal disease. The doctor did not pronounce death upon me. No predictions of doom was uttered. But I just have the fear of the bad that is coming.


Living like a ticking time bomb pushes me to force change. Change is not comfortable. Change is scary. But Change is the only constant.

I've just read my sister's post about me. It galls me inside. It hurts to know you've hurt others. To hear what the person thinks about you. When all is said and done, are we still going to argue over who's right and wrong?

I don't think anybody wants to build bad relationships. How does it happen? Is it because the person is fundamentally flawed? caused by bad choices? or like she said, "all a misunderstanding" one after another till it forks a relationship apart.

Pride makes people think they're right in every situation. Doubt is buried. Regret is born. We all wish we could re-do certain things. But I am honestly sorry that I've hurt you in anyway Rose. I can't say it face to face yet. but I hope you hear me through the web. There are emotional walls I built for many years so I freeze up when it's time to feel.

But if I die, ... I want you to know that I remember chasing those butterflies too.

Sparkling Fingers

The sunlights peeks through each of my tiny fingers, prying them apart so that it may tickle my face.

The stubby hand of an 8 year-old is unsuitable for blocking the sun out of your eyes. I smile a silly smile. I turn around to inspect the gift machine. My favourite thing in the whole of Taman Sri Rampai.

I placed the 2o sen coin into it's slot carefully, trying with all my skills to twist its knob just right. My eyes widen as I watch the little plastic egg churn and roll out of the bottom chute. My perfect prize.

The stubby fingers set to work and massaged the little plastic egg. I hoped for that fantastic ring that seem to zap colours into the air. At least that's what it looks like on the cardboard print on the machine.

The egg pops open, and out falls a plastic star...... Were they earrings?

"Ouuhhh~~ Boy~ you gottah ear-lling~" the fat indian storekeeper looked down at me and my latest prize. "bettarr lahk nex Thyme~" and with a jingle of his head he walks back into the dark recesses of his store. The scent of shaved coconuts and something sinister wafted from within.

Oh well,The day was still bright. I took a look at the sky. A breeze relieves the foul stench of rotting coconut shells in the drains. I hopped over the drains and landed on my pudgy feet. The Bata slippers getting slightly stained with mud.

A carefree childhood, to collect dreams and memories.

Mnemosyne

Mnemosyne is not a word with a spelling error. It is a word in the dictionary. It is the name of the Greek Goddess of Memory, mother of the muses.

I shall now attempt to use this word in a different context. It is now the word I shall use to describe that familiar jumbled up place in my head; the one that is made from your memories. Everyone has a Mnemosyne. It is that place you visualize when you think of the word 'home', taking pieces of where you've lived, and the environment of your defining moments to become a single,all-encompassing place.

In order to explore this, I must now detach myself from my own identity, to get a better look at my ownself.


Royce's Mnemosyne is a curious place. Due to his nomadic childhood which continued into adulthood, his Mnemosyne constantly shifts and reconstructs itself without any sense of order.
The first inhabitant of Mnemosyne is Emerald. rumored to be the goddess of love reincarnate, she is the epitome of emotion.

During one of my explorations in Mnemosyne, I had a conversation with Emerald. She broods upon this darkened tree stump in the middle of a windswept field where it is always just about to rain. It is her throne.

As I had no physical traits whatsoever within Mnemosyne, I couldn't help but admire Emerald's haunting yet beautiful presence. Her sad smile veiled now and again by her dark brown curls in the neverending wind. Her posture was melancholy as her small frame was weighed by the emotional weight of the world. But the most memorable thing about her, were her eyes. Earthy green as mother nature herself, her irises could summon your soul into them.

She explained to me with her gentle and motherly voice, that many confuse the title "goddess of love" to be the controller of all romantic feelings in every human. When in actual fact, it means she is able to love as powerfully and deeply as a goddess. She never claimed she was the original goddess, but she might just well be the real deal.

"Being the Lover of All, is both absolute pain and absolute joy. Whichever it is, I cannot stop it, because it is who I am."

The grass of the field rippled in waves as the wind blew. The clouds were heavy and roiling across the sky. There she waits, for what I do not know. But she waits....

The first ruler of Mnemosyne and oldest resident requested solitude for her brooding. With her eyes looking straight through me, I began moving away as if through a wormhole folding in on itself. I knew I was about to meet the second.

(to be continued)

Stars at 2008's end

I think, when you whisper to the night sky, the stars can hear us.

And when you look up; and someone you're thinking of looks up too. The two are connected.

You share the same night sky even though the other is far far away. If you wish hard enough. Maybe the stars will whisper your message to your loved ones too.

Some people even believe that stars are responsible for a person's character, which they call Horoscopes. Some believe they influence destinies; especially those who would be lovers.

Well, Venus must have blessed Aquarius because my lovely Aquarian cousin, Teresa, has finally "put a ring on it" after a 7-year relationship.

I have been inspired by a certain star in my life to appreciate those around me.
There are twelve constellations in my sky, like the twelve horoscopes.
Each shining like a supernova in my life.

You know who you are, always sending me sweet and encouraging messages. Making me laugh when my day is feeling pointless. A small signal from you burns brightly in my heart for days.

These people do it really often and I feel, deserves my public thanks and loving~

Rachell (Your heart is open to me, when all others beg to get into yours. I feel so privelleged.our spa sessions and movie nites does wonders to my mood! no matter how bad the day, You're there to be my emotional healer.)

Shaza (Your constant care was felt even when I was in Melbourne, you never let distance get in your way. I'll always appreciate that, and hope to learn from you. Distance shall not impede me! My fearless inspirer.)

Cynthia (Your listening ear has been there for so many years. I feel like you know me more than I know myself sometimes. For better or worse. lol. You really are the witness of my life, Lou poh.)

Khun (Your chats with me broke through my wall. It made the ending of 2008 so super fun & exciting. Even now,back in KL, when most of my close friends are far away, you still take away the loneliness. You are my brother and my heart. )

Winson (Your timing is always just right. When I'm in trouble, you appear. You know how to make me feel safer and you do the sweetest things for me. You are my protector, always watching out for me. I am secure when you're there.)

You guys made 2008 My happiest year so far. From the Beginning when Markus and Winson and a big gang of us were gallivanting around, right to this day, The last day of this year.

The rest of you out there, as many as the stars in the skies. You know I love you too. If you've taken the time to check out my life, you have received what I can give. A moment in my life that was shared with you.

May the stars always shine bright for you.
Happy New Year!

Gold Coast: Storming Summer

Like a sudden rip in the fabric of reality, I was torn away from Melbourne by my parents...

To the unusually bright and sunny Gold Coast.
The bright cheery atmosphere seemed to mock my glum mood.
However, I did what any typical Asian traveler would do.
TAKE AS MANY F*CKING PICTURES AS I CAN!

The accommodation was pretty grand I must say.
The interior made me want to live there from now on.

The view made you feel like you were on top of the world...

Yet....
Something was missing.

I walked down the perfect beach. Its waters like a vast mirror.
It didn't really matter where I was, My heart misses the one in Melbourne.

It felt unfair that though all our paths crossed in Melbourne, yet so many had to go back to their own country. Never able to hang out the way we used to...
I feel like I've not been given enough time.
My friends are so terribly important to me.
It hurts when I can't be with those I care about.


As usual, when I get emotional and upset.
I bring torrential rain.
The clear blue skies faded, and lightning flashed.

The Thunder was my lullaby as I plunged the whole of Gold Coast into my sorrow.What can I say?
When I miss someone, I express it strongly.
Hey you! I miss you!!!

Fiona's Birthday

Fairyiona's Birthday

12 Days Ago~ It was Fiona's birthday. But nope, we celebrated it two days before that.

two weeks ago, it was Fiona's birthday party,Looking back at it now, I can feel the weariness from then till all the way here in the present. Why? you ask-- Because I put soooo much effort in it! Yes I did!

(I bought that banner)
I was so busy, I felt like the emotionally stressed and physically stretched White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland... Serving the chinese version of the Queen of Hearts. (I bought her the Tiara.)

And gave myself the Bunny ears! = : )

Let's take a look at the evidence...or Cheerful event, whatever, same difference
I think that I managed to make everyone happy and joyful,especially Fiona. as I really fully used my skills in art and crafts (or lack of) to do it.

Watch what happens with my elegantly wrapped present in her grubby hands.

Her Highness opens her present in glee

I made Fiona a Personal portrait!

Hand painted with poster colours and water colours + Flowers + room fragrance

I know! Omg rite, this the first time I put so much effort into making a present lor, No idea why I so semangat. But people, don't get your expectations up..You'll be disappointed.


Finally, I was the bunny Bartender for this whole group of people, and made sure everyone was tipsily happy on my own cocktail mix (The Royce Royale) .Oooh fed them alcohol till they were singing away, waking the dead in the cemetery opposite our building.-


Hehe, I really like this whole group though,so having my alcohol sucked dry was ok. Funny that I came to another country to make friends from my own country.


Omg ! and hor, Those who read about Fiona's episode of dying lights- Just as soon as her lights got fixed, I left my apartment to go up to hers, flipped the switch and

PAAP!* (the light bulb burst!)
No more lights in the kitchen/entrance.
Aiya ! what kind of life is this!? honestly! Is this some kinf of serial lightbulb burster creature feature that's screwing with me....(and my lightbulb)?

Like Sasha says "This SUCKS BALLS!"

Musique Prescription: Fade - Solu Music ft. KimBlee (introduced by Tim)

Memories

Memories


I've long procrastinated this appreciation post. But since it's taken awhile for the excitement of a new world to simmer down and the reminiscence of the old world to bubble up.

I must so thank Winson and the Shidios (well, I think Samantha,Shaz,Jt and Ashlei in particular) for giving me these goodbye gifts to look at and miss.

This is a (cotton? wool?) pin up that Winson gave me before I left. So sweet of him lor.
It's now stuck on my study table's pin up wall.

This is the cover of a cute photo album that Sam,Shaza,Jt and Ashlei (were there more?) gave me.
I love it alot, one of the best prezzies I got before leaving, (aside from the many loaded ang paus)

Let me show you the pretty pages that keep bringing back to those days.
The bubbly Posse~
The yummy scones by the rolling fields of tea plantation
This bubble blowing moment on Camerons is one of my favs to look at.
It really gives me the feel of those old rolling films. Frame by frame.~

Grr! the uploaders are soo not working now. My pictures just doesn't want to work!

Argh!

Ok going to continue later, heading to Pei Jien's Partay!