Secret Journal

Secret Journal

Secret Entry #3 : Extreme Mungness

March or April 2007
' i totally hate these people here now. I feel so under appreciated. And i dislike all these people who use my stuff without asking me first. Its like. hello! is this like some charity world that i've opened up? Thats My TV ur using playing Someone else's PS2. Everything is not urs. Just barge in here and in your SHOES! then just plop urself down on my BED! with ur smelly ass and then jus play games for hours on end. Causing me distres,sleep deprivation and other health complications/ Super bitch! how i loathe your existence. And i will remember all the wrongs you have done. each a mark against you on my scoreboard of hatred. My inner fury grows daily. these vermins need to be removed.
How I hate all my annoyances, I hate that I have to hate. I want to go somewhere else where life is about progress. I dont know. It just feels like I'm going no where here..or more like going towards where I do not want to go. My mood swings like a vibrating pendulum. so fast that it can probably rip space.
The more i think the more i just wana numb feelings. all feelings, don't want to feel the need. it's so fatiguing. My memories are filled with places and faces i miss, things I wanna do again. But it comes with the realisation that Its merely a wishful fancy. It pains to know that it's so unreal to think that it could be repeated once more.

Finally,i miss having someone to love. Having that part of me so active. It used to give meaning in my life. Being able to do things for those i loved. being able to love. I think that part has been damaged. Now I just get cunsumed by anger most of the time. And count those feelings against others. so that I';ve created my own vicious vortex. threatening to suck me down if I don't save myself quick.
Trouble is...Am I capable? or is it something that only someone else can do? I think my cure would be finally finding someone to love once again. Urgh I hate these noises of all the games here. Now when I'm tired and long for a bed. I find that it is all occupied by fools and pests. Nowhere to go, nowhere to refuge. I miss my close girls. And i miss being able to let others in so much more easily. It just hurts now.
I'm abusing my body more and more each day.sleeping is no longer an option, but a luxury. scarcely afforded. Timing had become a fickle mistress that whips me constantly and runs at a pace i cannot follow. I want to do so much more. Before this life ends. My fear of the afterlife drives me to hurry. But hurrying may in fact shorten my life due to its affect on my health. So then do i take it easy and live a long but uneventful life. Or one packed and compressed but shortened inevitably. It hangs in Question.
I wonder why I'm so selfish, Its become like everyone should just think like me and stop being so annoying. while I understand the need for everyone's difference and all. But i still don't have to like it.
I know sometimes we assume that if the other person doesn't contact us , it means that they do not care about us and do not make the effort, but I hope I don't come across like that. And as i do not jus give up on you, i hope you wont on me too. I no longer have that ability to stay calm and passive. and I can't cry anymore. Most people assume that means that you've cried till you can't cry anymore. For me, it's that I do not allow myself to cry anymore. Cuz if I do,I may never stop.
I know this is all so depressive.Sadly one of the more eventful things of my life currently as i do not feel excited or happy about anything else.
Most would see the coming holiday as a wonderful breath of freedom.For me, It's just the pause before we plunge ourselves into depths of drowning works again. No difference. Ok I shall take leave, for duty calls.'

Current Journal

If I was meeting my own past self now, i would tell myself to take a chill pill. The past few days i've not been able to get online cuz SOMEONE didn't pay the bills. urgh. In fact now I'm sitting in Tropicana's lobby using their wireless net.

Since my last fight against RMIT on Wednesday. My last chance of anything was with my dad's friend John. We ended up chatting the night away and heading down to Havana, Tropicana's new pub/karaoke/disco. They were having their Wednesday Theme night, James Bond night. My dad introduced me to all the uncles there so that it felt like such a strange social ball for me.
So they ended up doing a skit, girls as james Bond and Guys as the bond girls! salah!Q
(Sorry john, this is the way u'll get intro'd to my fren)


Aging

You know you're getting old when:

Your mom wears a linkin park T-shirt, and YOU feel that it's too kiddy for yourself.

Chain Questions

I've been STABBED by Samantha - this is a super long list. I shall shorten it and change the instructions to make it easier INSTRUCTIONS :
a) Green the statements that are true to yourself.
b) Red the statements that you WISH are true about you.
c) leave as same color if it's not true at all. Then, stab 3 people to do the same test...
1) I miss somebody right now.
2) I do not watch tv these days.
3) I wear glasses or contact lenses.
4) I love to play video games.
5) I have tried marijuana. (I'd just like to have tried something new)
6) I have been in a threesome.
7) I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
8) I have changed mentally over the last year.
9) I curse. but only sometimes...
10) I’m totally smart.
11) I’ve broken someone’s bones.
12) I’m paranoid sometimes.
13) I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe and scar-free.
14) I need money right now.
15) I love sushi.
16) I talk really, really fast.
17) I have long hair.
18) I have lost money in Las Vegas.
19) I have at least one sibling.
20) I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past. FINGERNAILS!
21) I couldn’t survive without Caller ID.
22) I like the way I look.
23) I am usually pessimistic.
24) I have a lot of mood swings.
25) I have a hidden talent.
26) I’m always hyper.
27) I have a lot of friends. :)
28) I have pecked someone of the same sex.
29) I enjoy talking on the phone.
30) I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
31) I love to shop.
32) Enjoy window shopping. (because I want to OWN it)
33) I would rather shop than eat.
34) I don’t hate anyone.
35) I’m a pretty good dancer. YES I AM!
36) I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
37) I have a cell phone.. (omg i had one since i was 13)
38) I believe in a God. 39) I am an adrenaline junkie.
40) I watch MTV on a daily basis.
41) I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
42) I’ve rejected someone before.
43) I want to have children in the future.
44) I have changed a diaper before.
45) I’ve called the cops on a friend before. tee hee!
46) I’m not allergic to anything.
47) I have a lot to learn.
48) I’m shy around members of the opposite sex.
49) I have made a move on a friends significant other or crush in the past.
50) I have tried alcohol before. (aiya practically alcoholic)
51) I own the South Park movie.
52) I would die for my best friend. Now you know..(depends in what way, erm more likely just risk life)
53) I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
54) I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
55) I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
56) Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
57) I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
58) I am happy at this moment!
59) I’m obsessed with girls/guys.
60) I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I’ve ever met.
61) I study for tests most of the time.
62) I am comfortable with who I am right now.
63) I have more than just my ears pierced.
64) I walk barefoot wherever I can.
65) I have jumped off a bridge.
66) I love sea turtles.
67) I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
68) Plan on achieving a major goal & dream.
69) I’m proficient in an musical instrument.
70) I hate office jobs. (AMEN!)
71) I love sci-fi movies. 72) I think water rules.
73) I went college out of state.
74) I like sausages.
75) I love kisses.
76) I fall for the worst people (so true!- well more like for those I shouldn't)
77) I adore bright colours.
78) I can’t live without black eyeliner.
79) I don’t know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
80) I usually like covers better than originals.
81) I can pick up things with my toes.
82) I can whistle.
83) I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snake’s slither.
84) I have ridden/owned a horse .(I took horse riding lessons)
85) I still have every journal I’ve written in.
86) I can’t stick to a diet.
87) I talk in my sleep.
88) I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
89) I have jazz in my blood.
90) Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
91) I wear a toe ring.
92) I can’t stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
93) I am a caffeine junkie.
94) I cosplay or know what cosplaying is. i KNOW what it is..and I've done it
95) I have been to over 15 conventions.
96) I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better.
97) I’m an artist.
98) I only clean my room when necessary.
99) I like a person of the same sex. OoOo!!
100) I love being happy.

Oh gosh I'm such an answer slut. ok I'll stab: Jeannette Fiona Anyone else who will bother

Pic Leftovers