Sunday, 2 August 2009

I Know It's Public,But I Hate Boundaries.

Diary by ~KhaoticStorM

We are aware people read our blogs. Strangers, Friends, Family and Enemies; glimpsers and gossipers and clickers and freakers.

I think over time we adjust our words, edit them to cover up some personal part that we wish to hide from the world. Obsessed with the image we're showing the world.

But do we successfully hide it? or successfully censor ourselves? caging our words rather than speaking our truth.

My truth is: I feel proud of Shaza yet frustrated. I am glad that she is a beautiful and intelligent being whom is aware of her own situation, yet unable to change it. She creates excuses as emotional crutches when she is ready to walk and run.

I sympathize with Sam because she feels stuck. A foot caught under the tree of responsibility, the hand cuffed to the undesirable house of expectations. A heart going though cardio-sclerosis attached to the torn vein of discontent. But if she tries to free herself, will it cause more damage than is already there? or will staying be worse because she didn't do anything about it?

I am angry at him. An impasse whence from neither would budge. Sometimes you'd think that you should be the better person, forgive and forget. Does it deserve to be forgiven? I am big on forgiveness, oh trust me on that. I have done it 3 times with him on his list of Horrible Emotional Cruelties Inflicted Upon A Soul.
The problem I see is.... A fly trying to be comfortable in a Venus flytrap. The situation's inviting and desirable to be in, but sooner or later it always clamps shut and spews acid to digest you.
So I stay away and fume.

I hate the way people here ask you "how are you?" with the same tone they'd use to address the lamp post; and you're expected to return the "I'm good, thank you" reply like an activated vending machine.

No! I am Not fine! I am agitated and unsatisfied. There is too much tasks and not enough living.The people I'm closest to, the important people in my life, are not by my side. I know that I have to wait this year out, persevere for better days to come. But like Sam asks " When, Royce? When?" and I have no answer to that.

Does it even make sense to say we should suffer and sacrifice for the future good? We might as well say that I'll enjoy now and deal with the consequences later. Both requires us to sign up for Suffering, the first case takes a long time before reward whilst the second ensures we strive for happiness at all times . Somehow the prior is seen to be the morally justified choice.
We squander years to achieve just one thing and somehow that justifies the suffering. I say I'd rather be happy every other day of my life.

Question is...How do we be happy right now?


Drizzles said...

hey royce how are you? lol
happiness doesnt require a formula, doesnt have a formula.
it comes and go. no one could be happy forever. problem will always poured upon you. since the day we are born, we signed up for suffering. sometimes, you cant be too happy for too long. and vice versa, sufferings wont stick with you forever. accept the fact that this is what it takes for a fulfilled life. quote william, no one gets out of life alive. you dont need the big picture, as long as you know what to do next and enjoy what you're doing, why think too much?

Royce Tan said...

hey may,
I obviously tak syiok.
I agree that we cant be happy forever.
Eiyer what quote William, that's my quote lor.
Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway.

I'm better now.

Alexa-Star a.k.a. Shaza said...

hahah!~ I usually try not to tweak my words to make myself look any better... honestly, how to tweak an emo blog to sound better maahh? That's just ain't emo no more...

Blogs can be used as anything to the owner.
in my case, my blog contains pure 'personal' crap-trap and it's really up to anyone to judge for themselves how valid I am as a person. So I respect that you think so about who i am and i really bear nothing but gratitude for all your honesty Royce, Bravo!

I can choose to paint a better picture of myself OR be at the mercy of random judgement and surely, everyone are aware of the consequences that 'your words may be used against you' one day, it's true.

Personal principles helps too when it comes to aid the human soul about life. Sometimes, the right things aren't always fun nor makes you happy. The best way to live a good life is to acknowledge how well you live, then perhaps things would ease a little for yourself to made it through... I agree with May on this matter.

Ever heard of the quote;

"make a honest living" this quote doesn't always apply to making money, it's also a way of life.