The Transcendental Teenage Journals of Royce - 27 July 2002

PREFACE

I write from my present in 2022, and you now join me as a reader in whichever timeframe you wish; as we connect to my teenage self in 2002, age 15, through my lovesick-ening journey of being a chubby gaysian, coming-of-age in a Church-owned high school, in a third-world Islamified country.

This is part thought experiment and part self-rediscovery. A way to recognise the psychological patterns which I have turned into habits in my life. Over time, I can see my belief system sustains my actions, my actions are repeated into habits, and those habits have defined my character in the eyes of others. So, who am I...to myself though? My solution is to come up with the third part of Royce, the Transcendental Royce, to help integrate my 2 chronological selves back into where they belong in my psyche.

The Transcendental Teenage Journals of Royce - 21 October 2000

[Preface]

As I continue writing this series, transcribing my own younger mind from paper to digital format, I find it confronting to revisit my past thoughts, immaturity, and suppress the "what the hell was I thinking?" response. However, it feels therapeutic as I shall now include comments on how I would advise myself from the future. 

I shall basically pretend to be a time traveller, interacting across time-space with my teenage self through my journal and imagine if I could/would change key turning points in my life.

I've also come to realise that it is my vain attempt at immortality and legacy. I say vain, because nothing lasts forever even if it is the internet, and it is playing to my ego; Yet it gives me a way to validate my existence, and hopefully help others in the future, even if I feel like I can't help much now.

This project is painful and embarrassing because I saw my teenage self as a strange otherworldly creature stuffed into a dark-skinned nerdy gay fat suit, who had multiple personalities, hypersensitivity, and didn't play the role of a Human very well at that.

In saying that, the goal for me here is to be thankful. A Gratitude Journal EXtraaa, because technically this is going to be a journal within a journal, but aimed at gratitude, for who I've become.

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 [21/10/2K]

Exams have ended! finally relax time. These few weeks though, I had bad luck following me, like, almost getting kidnapped by an Indian man, losing my pencil box, lose my housekeys, huge headaches, fall sick when I walk back home in the rain, people being unkind, hurting me, LRT train spoilt, and so much that I forgot.

(Future Royce: "Well roycie, I know it can feel like a lot. If it's bad luck, it can't be targeted at you so don't worry too much, it is simply a pattern of unfortunate things, and you being observant is a good thing to hone. Let's look at ideas to not lose stuff so much though.")

Only recently there was some happiness. It was last Saturday at Bukit Kiara, I was sitting in the coffee house waiting for Mum and Pa at a wedding while playing Yellow version Pokemon. I played till I got giddy, had to stop. I went to the paddock where the wedding was held to look for my parents. 

I tried to call my father, then I saw my mother and Rose, so I walked over and started eating a little of the buffet, even thought I got to eat as much as I want, I'm starting to get tired of all this Bukit Kiara food and buffets...

(Future Royce: "Wwoah, entitlement alert!. don't get bored, get creative, mix those flavours and make new combos.")

Then I sat at a table to eat and I thought the wedding would be damn boring but it didn't turn out that way! So, after I ate, I asked my mother if she wanted to dance, and so we told the DJ to totallly start turning poolside into a disco party. So we started dancing, they played good music, and someone fell into the pool. then another pushed someone into the pool! Then one by one, people were pushed into the pool. By then, lots of people had to leave soaking wet. great night.

(Future Royce: "I think this is your first taste of what we will be calling 'Clubbing' later on. Good that you are using the good memories to balance out the bad. The gratitude you have for that moment already got you through the so-called 'bad luck', and more of those gems will get you through life's sequence of events. Oh, and Pokemon will totally be big again someday, start practicing how to draw them...although you think 151 pokemon is a lot now...hah! wait till you get to when I am.")

[End of entry]

The Teenage Journals of Royce- 7-8, May 2000

 The year 2000, the first year of the milennium (or is it the last). There is so many damn things that happened this year.

Let's start from the new milennium celebration, it turned out I didn't follow my family, instead I followed Teresa to Bintang Walk to celebrate with Meng's family and I ended up in Sri Sempurna. Its sort of a nice change but transportation is the only problem...I have to wake up at 6.30 am to walk through a graveyard to the LRT station.It's about half hour trip from my house to school . 

Around Chinese new year, I went to Klang, then when I came back Ah Cheik (Uncle) died, after that we went with my mom's side cousins to India, Madras. for my stepaunt's wedding. She married a Brahmin. 

Then we moved home and Ah ma moved in with Ah Sum. We moved in to Menara Pelangi (Rainbow Tower), then I went on this wonderful cruise called the Star Cruise: Virgo, everything was paid through by this electronic card. like magic, you could do or buy anything.

Then things got dull, I couldn't go stay with meng long (Teresa), she went with Efflene to London for 3 months. and Wendy had exams, so do I, I hope school ends soon. 

And this guy Sheng Song, I hate him like anything, He's the most annoying person on earth, May Halloween and Christmas be a lot more fun I hope.

by Royce aged 13

The Teenage Journals of Royce- Thursday 23, 12,1999 (Cloudy)

 Thursday 23, 12,1999 (Cloudy)☁

It is near the year 2000, and everyone is excited about it. I'm celebrating it at Bangsar, Pa's usual drinking place.

I'm now writing this on his working desk. He's just right in front of me and he does not know that I'm writing on my diary. I mean he doesn't even know that I have a diary. hehehe....☺

I've already graduated from Lai Meng and I've left all my friend with that school, I'll just have to make new friends at my new school. UPSR results were already out last month...A's and B's. 〰

The Sarawak trip last month was tiring especially the jungle trekking. I got left behind! with some other slower than me students. at least I wasn't last. It was quite fun though.

My piano lessons for the next week and the week after are just nice public holidays, meng long and ah teng's exams are dead at last. I'm so happy it is.

These days Meng Long just complains about her hamster who has been eaten by her other hamster, I wish she'd just eat her hamsters and say "Haha! I'm a big fat hamster who eats other hamsters because I have no sense, haha, don't blame me! just like me! big & fat!"🕃

By Royce at age 12

Journal Therapy: Hero Of My Story

Mood: Afraid 
Location: Sydney

Rationale: I've been watching a docu-series on Netflix - Myths & Monsters which discussed the pattern of stories throughout human history. This got me to thinking about how I could use this plotline to influence my subconscious and navigating my 'mindgarden'.

If the purpose of my journal therapy is to create a more orderly, positive landscape within, what better way than to overlay a heroic story for myself, combining my love for creative writing with the emotional need for a relatable storyline. So I shall begin...

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PART 1: A STORM IS COMING

Once upon a time, there was a young boy, and we use the term 'boy' loosely, as sometimes, he would prefer to be a 'she', not a woman or a girl,  but a more effeminate form of himself, with a large range of states in between. Suddenly conscious of sitting on a stump in the middle of a wide field, a single street lamp shone down from above. 

The landscape was dark, the sky above cloudy like a storm was about to arrive, but it seems to have always been like this. Instinct nudged against his mind, a soft alarm to find shelter, a safe space where there would be peace and comfort. 

Despite not wanting to leave this familiar spot, There was a fluttering of shadows that he thought must be his friends. They were black ravens, diving sharply from above and right past him. 

He cried "Wait! don't leave me alone!", but deaf to his words, they flew onward into the pitch black sky, melting as if they were the same essence of the gloom ahead, leaving him to run in his slow, sluggish footsteps. 

In the silent dark, not being able to catch up, it began to feel truly lonely, quiet tears streamed down his face, each drop marked the heavy expression on his face. He had walked so far that his sitting stump was no longer visible. He decided there was no choice but to move ahead, tucking his hair  behind his ears in the blowing winds.

He came upon wild brambles that had strange whispering plants. A wet sheen covered the leaves, reflecting his own blurry image that he realised he had never seen before. What did he actually even look like? He stopped to smell some roses that he liked a lot, he named them and decided they were his sisters. He asked them why was he lost, but each gave him a different reason from their limited understanding. They spoke lovely words and comforted him, but he knew they had not given a true answer as none of them resonated with him. Walking slowly and cautiously, there were also thorns that hurt his feet as he made the journey towards the garden. Again he wanted to stop but had nowhere to rest. A scary lightning snake flashed through the clouds. It zig-zagged across the sky, forked tongue flicking in the quick winds, heralding the storm that was about to break.

He saw a humongous tree far away, towering over layers of growth, he couldn't separate the shadowy outlines of bush and hedges, but could only stumble painfully towards the general direction. He looked back and wondered how far he had journeyed from the beginning, and he wished for someone who could help him. Another lightning snake zapped out of the sky and struck a bush nearby, lighting it on fire. The flame danced and grew, turning into a sparkling form. Long straight tresses revealed a beautiful breath-taking face with an aura so powerful, she must be a goddess!

PART 2: LADY JEWEL

The bright aura was a purple nimbus, shimmering around her long sparkling hair and naked form. She looked at him and asked, "Why are you so sad my child?" 

He was afraid, in awe and yet, desperate for a friend. He shyly replied, "Can you help me? I think I'm very lost". She smiled, eyes large and hypnotic, made of embers that gave off no heat but brightened her surroundings. "Do not hold onto your fears, you are stronger than you know, your search will be blessed as it will also bring joy to others, so I will lend you my strength", she said as she held out her hand.

Afraid to be burnt, he crept slowly towards her, wanting to be like her so he could shine a light into the darkness, and bring joy to others so that maybe his friends would return, ending his solitude. He squinted his eyes and touched her flaming hands, the flames didn't burn but instead flowed over his skin and melded through him. The electric fire swallowed him as she and he became one. For the first time, he felt what must be Courage, warming the chilling grip of fear and loneliness. He glowed with an aura of different colours, letting him see more of the path ahead. He heard her voice within, telling him to continue on and not to give up.

Suddenly he floated above the thorny path and could see that the shadowy outlines resolve into a maze of hedges and bushes stretching much further than he first thought. The winds seem to push him ahead like a bubble caught in a breeze. Floating past the last bit of the field's edge, he arrived at the huge leafy wall of the hedge maze. The entrance was to the side, its opening guarded by three large statues, towering over him with a stony gaze that brought some of the dispelled fear back into his heart. Each guardian sent a fierce thought into his mind, challenging him, blocking his path until they deem him worthy to cross.

PART 3: THE GUARDIAN OF BODY

The first guardian statue had a large platform before him, the platform had numbers and an arrow that pointed at 0. When he stood on the platform, that arrow spun to a humongous number, indicating how cumbersome and heavy he was. The guardian said "Thou shalt not pass! you are not the ideal weight", then proceeded to show calculations of the correct size he should be for his current state of being. The guardian struck at his mind and from the impulse blossomed a sense of deep shame. An awareness of his shapeless wobbling form dawned upon him, causing him to suddenly expand and contract just as quickly. He tried running around the walls of the maze, stretching himself this way and that to become the correct shape, but he would always snap back in the wrong position, size and weight. 

With a sense of despair, he sat on the judging platform and stared at the large scary numbers, absently he plucked at a nearby fruit and started to chew, then to munch, later to binge on the entire fruit bush before stopping himself. The arrow on the platform swung up and up, numbers growing ever larger, making him panic though he just ate more in response. His mid-section soon bulging like rolls folding on top of each other.

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...Will he ever get past the first guardian? tune in next time on my next Journal Therapy entry.

Journal Therapy: Slow Start

Date: 29/12/19
Mood: Netflix mode
Location: Sydney

I thought I could commit to writing every day, but it turns out it's much harder to overcome my habit of binge-watching Netflix & Youtube.🎬

Work shifts have kept me busy. Some days are good and some days are horrible as I work in hospitality and cater to fussy VIPs at an RSL club. I have to put on a constant smile and appease so many that at the end of the day, I don't feel like engaging my brain any further and find it easier to just spectate a fantasy world on TV.🎦

I have to admit however, the 'Preface' post I wrote did make me feel subtly better. I noticed a positive note of my daily thoughts. Perhaps it's like a subconscious cheer that my mind knows I am willing to work on the deeper 'self'. The inward gaze is of meditation, is like a gentle sunrise over the garden of the mind.🧠 yes I choose to spew buddhist fantasies in times like these.

I have been convincing Wins that Melbourne is a far better fit for me, than Sydney as a city to live in, as what I'd call home. I was supposed to go on a road trip with him until New Year's Eve, but had been denied my 'leave application' as apparently I was not allowed to take these holidays off even though I am just working a Casual. This is one of the poisonous weeds I have identified in my mental garden - Resentment. 😡

I know focusing on this feeling makes me hate my job. However, this work takes up so much of my waking hours, mental energy that it is hard not to use it as my main fuel of daily life.

Putting it in this way though, it seems silly. Life is more than a job or even a career. I am tending to a weed in the mind garden, when I should be planting/tending to a fruit tree, and aim to grow a mental orchard instead.

Time to be more consistent, jumpstart the new year and rethink my mind-garden's focus...🔍

Journal Therapy: Preface

Date: 22/12/19
Mood: Jaded
Location: Sydney


It's been a long time since I delved into my Mind Garden. I was talking to Winson, currently visiting me during his break from research in India, and we got to talking about our inner state of mind over dinner.

He brought to my attention how I have been numbing the days away with my Netflix, wine, and chocolate, waiting for the day that solutions present themselves. The thing is that I've been feeling jaded and numb with my life's plan progress. Obviously, I thought I would be a better place, not a worse state of mind. Yet, I find myself wanting to distract my attention from the reality of what I chose for myself, which is to migrate to Australia.

I didn't choose to live in Sydney, as I have no close friends or family here. Yet this time here has served to teach me how independence changes me. It showed me how important that sense of belonging and emotional support is to me.

During this period close to Christmas, I surprise myself that I am just wanting to get over it, as it now represents a busy period of work to me, and I think nothing much of spending it with loved ones or creating that warm family ambiance where being thankful and giving is celebrated.

I look inward to seek the reasons for being so nonchalant and find that my mind is an overgrown garden. I have not wanted to tend to it, manage the overgrowth because it was easier to just tell myself that's the way nature intended it to be. Self-help gurus will tell you that there is no naturally positive or negative mindsets, only 'trained' mindsets. So perhaps I have trained a wild train of thought that leads to its own crash every time I try to focus.

In an attempt to 'reset' the mind, the conversation I had with Winson led to the conclusion that I need to do internal gardening work to find the 'roots' of the psychological issues. This work can take years, but at least I would be trying. I am at least self-aware enough to sense that I have a lot of suppression. for the long term, it is probably unhealthy to leave that alone. This period of journaling is meant to help me take stock of how to prune the growth and weed out the parasitic mold.

Like old rotting trees, they lend their surface to smaller issues, manifesting like mushrooms on a dank moist day. I get easily irritated by small challenges and take offense at the slightest comments. I know that comments are not directed at me, but even overhearing certain conversations makes me on edge, letting me know that I am taking it more negatively and personally than I need to.

I also acknowledge that I have been putting up a mental hedge to hide the issues, so much that it feels like a hedge maze, with a few rotting old trees covered in shrooms somewhere over yonder, behind my eyesight, or I should say, mindsight. I suppose I could hide things from myself psychologically, and what better way than a mental image of a maze that distracts and befuddles me whenever I get close to the center of my mind's/emotional truth.

Time to start weeding my mind, bringing to light some old rooted disorders and hopefully finding a brighter 'me'. That's all for now, I will be back to navigate my mind maze.

With love and compassion for myself, Royce.