Life Chapter: Sydney Starter

JUST MOVED INTO CAMPSIE, NSW

I write this with a sense of tense internal pressure that has been building up, because things are not settling down.

I have been trying to hold back a whirlpool of emotions, just trying to ride the waves on the edge, but not get sucked into its endless depths. This is now my default state since leaving Malaysia in May this year.

It is coming to four months migration to Sydney, I thought adjustment wouldn't be so hard, I thought I was prepared since I've done it before in Melbourne, but the hardest part is actually a subconscious psychological issue - lonesomeness. 

Yes, we all have modern social media. However, I knew from the start of this techno-revolution, that it's a substandard way of connecting with your loved ones and cannot replace the soul-nourishing vibes of having their presence and company. 

Everyone says to be patient, "it (adapting to a new place) doesn't happen so fast, just take baby steps and you will get there, you will make new friends". 

It annoys me that they are right/justified and I have to pull out more patience where there is none. (If only throwing dramatised fits will get you somewhere, I would so achieve everything)

HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN TO GET HERE

I have waited over 7 years to get back to Australia, I stayed for 5 years in the same company just to fulfill the requirements of the Aussie immigration policies, initiated my migration application in Aug 2017, and finally got it in Jan 2019 thanks to NSW invitation letter. So it feels like I've invested so much already, but honestly, I was always aiming for Melbourne, not Sydney. So technically I'm still waiting.

I feel disappointed that the universe isn't making my path smoother, so I tell myself that perhaps there's a good reason that I was 'called' to Sydney, maybe some greater purpose I can't yet see. This leads me to have high self-expectations, to search for this purpose, and quickly open the door that might trigger all my dreams coming true. This is the internal stress/pressure I feel, why can't I see the Universe's point of me being here?

A PERIOD OF RESPITE IN MELBOURNE

Last month, I got myself into a situation where I asked to leave the rental room I was in, but the new unit was not yet vacated, so I became technically homeless for a month.

I decided to fly over to Melbourne for that long-awaited trip, reconnecting with Aunt LB and cousins. It was so satisfying to my soul, I really felt the difference of having people that can support you if disaster strikes, its a subconscious safety net operating across every decision I make.

I could totally see the purpose of this technically unplanned trip because I felt like a useful human being again, I bought a 1-way ticket and didn't know when I would fly back to Sydney, as there was no moving out date from the tenant then. 

There I was, waiting for my new apartment, living with Aunt Elbie in Ivana's pink room. The sense that I was a squatter was displaced by having family that I trust & the knowledge that I was back in my beloved city. 

HOW MELBOURNE HAS CHANGED FOR ME

It was wondrous to see the changes to Melbourne after 9 years! Walking around the CBD gave me tingles as new high-rises and shops overlayed familiar hangout spots from my Uni days. Everywhere I look, a mental screen pops up and plays flashbacks, stirring and bittersweet, faded in reminiscence but its emotional tones still ring clear to me.

I don't know why I've been chasing the dream of moving back to Melbourne CBD for nearly a decade. But finally being on Swanston street again, the deluge of memories, the ease of navigating, access to close friends and the presence of RMIT where both my degree studies and first job were. It was just confirmation that Melbourne's appeal has not reduced for me.

I was even blessed with a last-minute booking for an Airbnb right on Swanston & Collins, at Capitol Theatre. Kiani stayed with me, Jamie visited me; and for four blissful days, I lived my dream, my ideal life.

Then the unit in Campsie was finally ready, the fairytale clock struck twelve and I flew back to my new empty Chinatown pumpkin of a home, I'm referencing Cinderella because, like her, I worked hard for years just for a few nights of magic, which just as quickly ended.

I want to summarise that basically, I'm giving myself grief on top of the stress of this new move. My heart is torn between 2 places, stuck in Sydney because of my PR needs, yet completely emotionally attached to Melbourne and the friends & family there.

Self Emotional Processing & Recording Session Complete 

Ashton Kutcher told me to be sexy - Teen Choice Awards 2013 acceptance speech

Screenstar Ashton Kutcher, practical joker host of MTV Punk'D, reveals his real name is actually 'Chris' and Ashton is really his middle name.
He accepted a Teen Choice award but surprised the audience with his unconventional speech.
With the poise of a public orator, Ashton got 'real' and talked about things a teenager really needs to know.

It feels like Ashton is finally done with the cougar hunger games and is moving on strong.
I love the simplicity and arrangement of his points.
1. Opportunity
2. Be Sexy
3. Living Life

Vipassana Meditation & Alain de Botton's Philosophy of Success

Intro to Vipassana Meditation



For those who wish to learn about the ancient technique of Vipassana Meditation, its non-sectarian nature and its benefits, a video discourse approximately 17 minutes in length is available for viewing in both English and Hindi languages.


CLICK HERE FOR VIDEOS



I am pretty excited to be heading for this retreat. As a Public Speaking instructor, this year has made me grow is ways I've never imagined. It has taught me mastery of my voice in it's projection, tone and delivery. I have found that sound must also be imbued with body language to impart the full dimensions of a message.


This FREE course attracted me because it symbolizes the benefits of Silence. From the video, it talks about finding peace in the mind through observation. It reminds me of one of the Habits from Stephen Covey's book '7 Habits of Highly Effective People'. Being proactive, not reactive. I do believe that this age presents one of the highest mental stresses of all time. We are reactive creatures by nature and this programming will not allow us to live in harmony as our instincts say Survival Of The Fittest, but Society says we are all equal and living in a world of Meritocracy.


This form of thinking is further explained by this Ted Video by Alain de Botton, titled:
A kinder, gentler philosophy of success

He is the epitome of wit. I just love all his smart punchlines, keeping it relevant and entertaining. His message will really force you to rethink the terms of success. Has your vision of success been dictated by society or have you truly built your own path towards Inner Success.

I shall post my experience in the 10 day meditative retreat soon :)

What Would You Do If Your Mother Died?

6:18am

what would you do if your mom passed away now. choi choi touch wood

1. cry
2. get a post mortem
3. call all family members to notify
4. remind myself to be strong
5. call lawyer about her will and if funeral arrangements have been specified.
6. pick the church and discuss burial or cremation
7. I'd smoke a lot of weed and be really numb for a long while
8. find a therapist, keep reporting and communicating to distract myself
9. video record myself with my last words to mother to help get closure, put that CD together with her urn or casket
10. Put on strong face for everyone, and make her funeral about the appreciation of her life's influence, make it a 'proud and distinguished' ending to a great woman's life

Its better to have a ritual ready so u can just do it and get things done while ur mind goes blank at that time, you wont be able to think at all.

Just A Thought

My reply to my friend, Derrick's very open and insightful musings. It is not like him to be so frank, but I like it.

My reply:

I consider myself an explorer of both thought patterns. When I was in Primary School till mid of Secondary, I was an observer that internalized what I saw and rationalized. Since then till Last year, I’ve been the one who acts, externalized emotions and downsized thought.
In both sense, drama is omnipresent. It is simply the paradigm from which you see it. When you look out for something, the more often you find it.
I doubt that there is a stable balance to anything. I think in nature and in the basic pattern of the universe; it is always more of a wave. A flux between two extremes that continually repeats. Change is the only constant.
Its like standing on a boat out at sea. The harder you try to hold your stance, the more likely you will fall. It you allow yourself to sway to the rhythm, you’ll have a better ‘balance’.
Just a Thought~ Royce.

I Know It's Public,But I Hate Boundaries.

Diary by ~KhaoticStorM

We are aware people read our blogs. Strangers, Friends, Family and Enemies; glimpsers and gossipers and clickers and freakers.

I think over time we adjust our words, edit them to cover up some personal part that we wish to hide from the world. Obsessed with the image we're showing the world.

But do we successfully hide it? or successfully censor ourselves? caging our words rather than speaking our truth.

My truth is: I feel proud of Shaza yet frustrated. I am glad that she is a beautiful and intelligent being whom is aware of her own situation, yet unable to change it. She creates excuses as emotional crutches when she is ready to walk and run.

I sympathize with Sam because she feels stuck. A foot caught under the tree of responsibility, the hand cuffed to the undesirable house of expectations. A heart going though cardio-sclerosis attached to the torn vein of discontent. But if she tries to free herself, will it cause more damage than is already there? or will staying be worse because she didn't do anything about it?

I am angry at him. An impasse whence from neither would budge. Sometimes you'd think that you should be the better person, forgive and forget. Does it deserve to be forgiven? I am big on forgiveness, oh trust me on that. I have done it 3 times with him on his list of Horrible Emotional Cruelties Inflicted Upon A Soul.
The problem I see is.... A fly trying to be comfortable in a Venus flytrap. The situation's inviting and desirable to be in, but sooner or later it always clamps shut and spews acid to digest you.
So I stay away and fume.

I hate the way people here ask you "how are you?" with the same tone they'd use to address the lamp post; and you're expected to return the "I'm good, thank you" reply like an activated vending machine.

No! I am Not fine! I am agitated and unsatisfied. There is too much tasks and not enough living.The people I'm closest to, the important people in my life, are not by my side. I know that I have to wait this year out, persevere for better days to come. But like Sam asks " When, Royce? When?" and I have no answer to that.

Does it even make sense to say we should suffer and sacrifice for the future good? We might as well say that I'll enjoy now and deal with the consequences later. Both requires us to sign up for Suffering, the first case takes a long time before reward whilst the second ensures we strive for happiness at all times . Somehow the prior is seen to be the morally justified choice.
We squander years to achieve just one thing and somehow that justifies the suffering. I say I'd rather be happy every other day of my life.

Question is...How do we be happy right now?

Stars at 2008's end

I think, when you whisper to the night sky, the stars can hear us.

And when you look up; and someone you're thinking of looks up too. The two are connected.

You share the same night sky even though the other is far far away. If you wish hard enough. Maybe the stars will whisper your message to your loved ones too.

Some people even believe that stars are responsible for a person's character, which they call Horoscopes. Some believe they influence destinies; especially those who would be lovers.

Well, Venus must have blessed Aquarius because my lovely Aquarian cousin, Teresa, has finally "put a ring on it" after a 7-year relationship.

I have been inspired by a certain star in my life to appreciate those around me.
There are twelve constellations in my sky, like the twelve horoscopes.
Each shining like a supernova in my life.

You know who you are, always sending me sweet and encouraging messages. Making me laugh when my day is feeling pointless. A small signal from you burns brightly in my heart for days.

These people do it really often and I feel, deserves my public thanks and loving~

Rachell (Your heart is open to me, when all others beg to get into yours. I feel so privelleged.our spa sessions and movie nites does wonders to my mood! no matter how bad the day, You're there to be my emotional healer.)

Shaza (Your constant care was felt even when I was in Melbourne, you never let distance get in your way. I'll always appreciate that, and hope to learn from you. Distance shall not impede me! My fearless inspirer.)

Cynthia (Your listening ear has been there for so many years. I feel like you know me more than I know myself sometimes. For better or worse. lol. You really are the witness of my life, Lou poh.)

Khun (Your chats with me broke through my wall. It made the ending of 2008 so super fun & exciting. Even now,back in KL, when most of my close friends are far away, you still take away the loneliness. You are my brother and my heart. )

Winson (Your timing is always just right. When I'm in trouble, you appear. You know how to make me feel safer and you do the sweetest things for me. You are my protector, always watching out for me. I am secure when you're there.)

You guys made 2008 My happiest year so far. From the Beginning when Markus and Winson and a big gang of us were gallivanting around, right to this day, The last day of this year.

The rest of you out there, as many as the stars in the skies. You know I love you too. If you've taken the time to check out my life, you have received what I can give. A moment in my life that was shared with you.

May the stars always shine bright for you.
Happy New Year!

Accents

I dreamt I was back in KL already. I stood in front of Meng Tien (One Academy). The familiar scene of art students carrying their god-help-them huge folio bags filled my vision. There was a group talking in front of me.

Shidios perhaps? but no one stood out, and their identities kept shifting. There was a girl, (Jade Bourne I think) who was speaking to them. She had the very strange Anglo-Aussie accent that was obviously forced. I realized she went a full year later than me to Australia, yet she picked up the accent faster than I. I struggled with the decision to speak in my Malaysian slang or with the tampered Aussie tone. To be seen as an unchanged man who didn't learn anything, or to be seen as pretentious and fake?

I couldn't decide, so I woke up.

Dream Divination: I probably fear what other's will think of me after my long absence from home. The shidios are having a photoshoot and they still found a way to include me. I struggle to identify with the Royce that is still the mamak-loving Malaysian boy and the striving Career man who is trying to forge a life in Australia.