Life Chapter: Sydney Starter

JUST MOVED INTO CAMPSIE, NSW

I write this with a sense of tense internal pressure that has been building up, because things are not settling down.

I have been trying to hold back a whirlpool of emotions, just trying to ride the waves on the edge, but not get sucked into its endless depths. This is now my default state since leaving Malaysia in May this year.

It is coming to four months migration to Sydney, I thought adjustment wouldn't be so hard, I thought I was prepared since I've done it before in Melbourne, but the hardest part is actually a subconscious psychological issue - lonesomeness. 

Yes, we all have modern social media. However, I knew from the start of this techno-revolution, that it's a substandard way of connecting with your loved ones and cannot replace the soul-nourishing vibes of having their presence and company. 

Everyone says to be patient, "it (adapting to a new place) doesn't happen so fast, just take baby steps and you will get there, you will make new friends". 

It annoys me that they are right/justified and I have to pull out more patience where there is none. (If only throwing dramatised fits will get you somewhere, I would so achieve everything)

HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN TO GET HERE

I have waited over 7 years to get back to Australia, I stayed for 5 years in the same company just to fulfill the requirements of the Aussie immigration policies, initiated my migration application in Aug 2017, and finally got it in Jan 2019 thanks to NSW invitation letter. So it feels like I've invested so much already, but honestly, I was always aiming for Melbourne, not Sydney. So technically I'm still waiting.

I feel disappointed that the universe isn't making my path smoother, so I tell myself that perhaps there's a good reason that I was 'called' to Sydney, maybe some greater purpose I can't yet see. This leads me to have high self-expectations, to search for this purpose, and quickly open the door that might trigger all my dreams coming true. This is the internal stress/pressure I feel, why can't I see the Universe's point of me being here?

A PERIOD OF RESPITE IN MELBOURNE

Last month, I got myself into a situation where I asked to leave the rental room I was in, but the new unit was not yet vacated, so I became technically homeless for a month.

I decided to fly over to Melbourne for that long-awaited trip, reconnecting with Aunt LB and cousins. It was so satisfying to my soul, I really felt the difference of having people that can support you if disaster strikes, its a subconscious safety net operating across every decision I make.

I could totally see the purpose of this technically unplanned trip because I felt like a useful human being again, I bought a 1-way ticket and didn't know when I would fly back to Sydney, as there was no moving out date from the tenant then. 

There I was, waiting for my new apartment, living with Aunt Elbie in Ivana's pink room. The sense that I was a squatter was displaced by having family that I trust & the knowledge that I was back in my beloved city. 

HOW MELBOURNE HAS CHANGED FOR ME

It was wondrous to see the changes to Melbourne after 9 years! Walking around the CBD gave me tingles as new high-rises and shops overlayed familiar hangout spots from my Uni days. Everywhere I look, a mental screen pops up and plays flashbacks, stirring and bittersweet, faded in reminiscence but its emotional tones still ring clear to me.

I don't know why I've been chasing the dream of moving back to Melbourne CBD for nearly a decade. But finally being on Swanston street again, the deluge of memories, the ease of navigating, access to close friends and the presence of RMIT where both my degree studies and first job were. It was just confirmation that Melbourne's appeal has not reduced for me.

I was even blessed with a last-minute booking for an Airbnb right on Swanston & Collins, at Capitol Theatre. Kiani stayed with me, Jamie visited me; and for four blissful days, I lived my dream, my ideal life.

Then the unit in Campsie was finally ready, the fairytale clock struck twelve and I flew back to my new empty Chinatown pumpkin of a home, I'm referencing Cinderella because, like her, I worked hard for years just for a few nights of magic, which just as quickly ended.

I want to summarise that basically, I'm giving myself grief on top of the stress of this new move. My heart is torn between 2 places, stuck in Sydney because of my PR needs, yet completely emotionally attached to Melbourne and the friends & family there.

Self Emotional Processing & Recording Session Complete 

Roomate Hunt

I am so late for my rent.


Dear reader,
It has been a long time since you've heard from me. I have wanted to keep my silence for awhile, in hopes of diminishing the attention I give to my dramas and therefore seemingly reducing the intensity of each through ignorance.

It does not work.

As they say Life goes on, and sometimes, Shit happens.
The tragedy count for 2011 could rival that Christmas where the Grinch stole everything. I've lost 2 phones this year, my house keys, laptop, a luggage bag, had a stalker, complaint from work, news that my cousin has brain cancer...

That's only the list of major things.

Now, my housemate is moving out and someone close tries to sneak something behind my back. I am immensely furious because I feel betrayed and POOR. Which are two things you shouldn't have to experience  at the same time.

No more mister nice guy, this time I am putting down an iron clad room mate agreement so I never have to deal with shit like this. Guess it's true = Successful people make the right decisions, and you learn to make the right decisions through making the wrong ones. The point being, I'd better be a fucking successful person.

Clumff

My long pause meant that I was out living instead of stuck writing here. (listening to Live Your Life - T.I & Rihanna)
At least that's what I hope you're thinking.
Anyway, I was busy setting up my company. with 8 of us. With our powers combined. we are now CLUMFF.

I've always seen myself as a pan-asian type person, coming from Malaysia, being of a mixed heritage,i do identify with most of the Asian crowd here in Melbourne.

Since me and my partners party alot. We've made some connections and decided to do a membership card that gives you discounts and most of the popular asian businesses.

Clubbing Music Food and Fashion.

Check it out!

http://www.clumff.com.au

A Friend In Need Is A Friend Indeed?

 Whoever came up with that saying needs to clarify. I ,personally, would rather say it with a sarcastic accent on the 'indeed'

A friend in need, is a friend INDEED~ hmph.

Lately, all I'm getting is these requests from friends of what they need and their personal complaints. A whole year's worth of it in fact as 2009 was a big lump of those issues.

I know it sounds like I'm complaining as well now, but my point is that friends who come to you in 'Need' actually come to you with desires. The desire that you will show sympathy for whatever small issues they're dealing with. My theory is that those who are seriously in need are those who keep it quiet and just soldier on alone. Those are the ones that are truly suffering.

The problem with this is you'd need to be close enough for them to feel comfortable enough to share it. I know a few who are in deep suffering and I don't know how to break that unseen barrier and talk to them.

Urgh, whatever. I think from now my philosophy is simple. When they are not acting like your friends, they probably aren't. Friendship, like everything else, probably has a season for it. We'd all love to think its permanent and eternal, but it doesn't if the two parties doesn't work on it.

Hmm, takes a lot of stress off. I've been punishing myself half my life (I was a loner before that) thinking I've not tried hard enough for others, pushing aside my needs for others. When others always end up taking advantage of it. I think enough of that bullshit.

For now, I will be working on me. I won't be very contactable by phone btw and am not in the mood to reply much.

Till I'm done, good luck with your shits.

For a special Someone

For the Special someone out there,far away from me, You know who you are.



I like the cut scenes in the middle. it reminds me of the times together.

WTH, Shidio CNY 09

OMG, wat is wrong with me seriously. I've been so trying to be this Wise old HAG!

okay I'll post up these pics that have been stuck in my comp FOREVER! lol.
These are the Shidio Chinese New Year pics 09. I know I'm like such a chibai for keeping it forever.

Sorry but I've been so busy for this whole year. I just forgotten about it.

Aiya the rest is in facebook la. sien. hate uploading.

Korean POP

Chibai Jon la, made me addicted to this songs.






9 girl groups. who knew it would work?

Apparently there's an Uzbekistan version for Tell Me Your Wish. Just proves that copies are not always successful.

Fi,Derr,Jon,AQ,Shaz

Bridge Partners or Self made family?

All I can say is, I'm loving them and Skype Conferences. The funny thing about Skype conferences is that it only gets engaging when there are more than 2 ppl in the conference. Or It might just be me.

So for now,it feels like Self-Made family.

I'm pretty lost with my project works and financial situation, which in turn make me not wanna go out at all. So I'm just placing myself under house arrest and try to be productive too.

So I have been working on becoming connected online, raising my online presence. I plan to create a drag queen persona to create hype, scandalousness and gossip material, these things get passed around alot.

plus I believe I have the skills to make it work.

Don't believe me? Fine I'll prove it.

Oh My Goddess! I know I'm so wonderfully gifted and smart and funny and should be crowned the next pharaoh of Egypt.... ..wait those are not crowns!

I will be tudung-ed / Head-scarfed / snake hooded as the next Pharaoh! yay!.

I just got myspace! and it is not that bad, feels like a cross between blogs and facebook. Will let you know more, PS subscribe to my Twitter feed! EX-Oh-EX-Oh! cacatgirl.

I Know It's Public,But I Hate Boundaries.

Diary by ~KhaoticStorM

We are aware people read our blogs. Strangers, Friends, Family and Enemies; glimpsers and gossipers and clickers and freakers.

I think over time we adjust our words, edit them to cover up some personal part that we wish to hide from the world. Obsessed with the image we're showing the world.

But do we successfully hide it? or successfully censor ourselves? caging our words rather than speaking our truth.

My truth is: I feel proud of Shaza yet frustrated. I am glad that she is a beautiful and intelligent being whom is aware of her own situation, yet unable to change it. She creates excuses as emotional crutches when she is ready to walk and run.

I sympathize with Sam because she feels stuck. A foot caught under the tree of responsibility, the hand cuffed to the undesirable house of expectations. A heart going though cardio-sclerosis attached to the torn vein of discontent. But if she tries to free herself, will it cause more damage than is already there? or will staying be worse because she didn't do anything about it?

I am angry at him. An impasse whence from neither would budge. Sometimes you'd think that you should be the better person, forgive and forget. Does it deserve to be forgiven? I am big on forgiveness, oh trust me on that. I have done it 3 times with him on his list of Horrible Emotional Cruelties Inflicted Upon A Soul.
The problem I see is.... A fly trying to be comfortable in a Venus flytrap. The situation's inviting and desirable to be in, but sooner or later it always clamps shut and spews acid to digest you.
So I stay away and fume.

I hate the way people here ask you "how are you?" with the same tone they'd use to address the lamp post; and you're expected to return the "I'm good, thank you" reply like an activated vending machine.

No! I am Not fine! I am agitated and unsatisfied. There is too much tasks and not enough living.The people I'm closest to, the important people in my life, are not by my side. I know that I have to wait this year out, persevere for better days to come. But like Sam asks " When, Royce? When?" and I have no answer to that.

Does it even make sense to say we should suffer and sacrifice for the future good? We might as well say that I'll enjoy now and deal with the consequences later. Both requires us to sign up for Suffering, the first case takes a long time before reward whilst the second ensures we strive for happiness at all times . Somehow the prior is seen to be the morally justified choice.
We squander years to achieve just one thing and somehow that justifies the suffering. I say I'd rather be happy every other day of my life.

Question is...How do we be happy right now?

Happy Phase

Its been awhile. Since my grandma's stroke scare, I am happy to announce that things are way better.

My grandma went for acupuncture treatment that vastly improved her initial condition. My mom says its amazing for a woman to be able to survive four strokes. yes my grandma has had four strokes during her lifetime. But then again, we're talking about my ex-gangster 'Dai Kar Che' grandma here.

I guess its expected that a strong woman like her won't go down easily.


Like any obstacle, when you get past it, there is a sense of relief, excitement and accomplishment.

I do feel proud of myself for overcoming my fears and deciding to live and treasure every moment. It forces me to reassess my life goals. Imagine my own funeral, and what I want people to be saying about me. That is the standard by which I live my daily life towards.

In the meantime, that doesn't mean its not fun to do so :)

Bangkok's trip was amazing! I guess, after hanging out with Mint, Polli and Khun in Melbourne, it was nice to feel like I was visiting them in their own home. I've gone to Hatyai many many times but it was my first time to Bangkok.




The wonderful thing was that so many of us managed to meet up in Bangkok. so it felt like a wonderful reunion of sorts. I really think of them as life-long friends that are geographically distant, so any physical time together is extremely precious to me.

I'm also glad Rachel came along together in a 'spur of the moment' decision. both of us needed the getaway.

Needless to say its a trip worth remembering every moment of. Definitely one of my best holidays. Its almost painful to know that its over.

But as long as I'm still alive, there's always tomorrow :)

2009, Another name to call time.

Great to be enjoying this new time slot they call 09
But I prefer, Royce's next 12 months of roller coaster ride.

Jogoya Supper on New Year's Eve was fun
Our Safari theme suited our African starvation level of an appeitite.

Even though I totally missed my Melbournians.
I was still there with them in heart,spirit and vocally

So Sweet lorr when Rachell used her phone to call me.
Had no idea I was talking to sucha glam gathering.

But fear not, I had my own glam gathering.

Venus Selection to the rescue!
Drama for your mama :)





Up to our crazy antics again,

And then Venus Vanilla Selection goes around the world!

Passports everyone!On our flight~

The beautiful islands of Bali

The Eiffel Tower! Bonjour~
Ariel's Atlantica. under the sea.


Out in space.
Yosemite falls.



Taking a roller Coaster ride to the next destination
The eye of the purple storm

We are the Venus Agenda.
Here's our theme song

This is the Venus Agenda
Here to make you remember,
remember all the times, I passed you by;
Oh please let me forget you, guess I'll have to pretend to,
pretend that I don't mind, that your still blind.

Oh you won't know of the things I sacrifice;
You can go on living your so called perfect life~

I hope you will bleed, fall down on your knees
Beg with all your mortality
till you can't even breath.
Analyse these words, read between the lines
Could become your venus
just give me the time.

(Chorus)

Abiento Sweetums

Stars at 2008's end

I think, when you whisper to the night sky, the stars can hear us.

And when you look up; and someone you're thinking of looks up too. The two are connected.

You share the same night sky even though the other is far far away. If you wish hard enough. Maybe the stars will whisper your message to your loved ones too.

Some people even believe that stars are responsible for a person's character, which they call Horoscopes. Some believe they influence destinies; especially those who would be lovers.

Well, Venus must have blessed Aquarius because my lovely Aquarian cousin, Teresa, has finally "put a ring on it" after a 7-year relationship.

I have been inspired by a certain star in my life to appreciate those around me.
There are twelve constellations in my sky, like the twelve horoscopes.
Each shining like a supernova in my life.

You know who you are, always sending me sweet and encouraging messages. Making me laugh when my day is feeling pointless. A small signal from you burns brightly in my heart for days.

These people do it really often and I feel, deserves my public thanks and loving~

Rachell (Your heart is open to me, when all others beg to get into yours. I feel so privelleged.our spa sessions and movie nites does wonders to my mood! no matter how bad the day, You're there to be my emotional healer.)

Shaza (Your constant care was felt even when I was in Melbourne, you never let distance get in your way. I'll always appreciate that, and hope to learn from you. Distance shall not impede me! My fearless inspirer.)

Cynthia (Your listening ear has been there for so many years. I feel like you know me more than I know myself sometimes. For better or worse. lol. You really are the witness of my life, Lou poh.)

Khun (Your chats with me broke through my wall. It made the ending of 2008 so super fun & exciting. Even now,back in KL, when most of my close friends are far away, you still take away the loneliness. You are my brother and my heart. )

Winson (Your timing is always just right. When I'm in trouble, you appear. You know how to make me feel safer and you do the sweetest things for me. You are my protector, always watching out for me. I am secure when you're there.)

You guys made 2008 My happiest year so far. From the Beginning when Markus and Winson and a big gang of us were gallivanting around, right to this day, The last day of this year.

The rest of you out there, as many as the stars in the skies. You know I love you too. If you've taken the time to check out my life, you have received what I can give. A moment in my life that was shared with you.

May the stars always shine bright for you.
Happy New Year!