Life Chapter: Sydney Starter

JUST MOVED INTO CAMPSIE, NSW

I write this with a sense of tense internal pressure that has been building up, because things are not settling down.

I have been trying to hold back a whirlpool of emotions, just trying to ride the waves on the edge, but not get sucked into its endless depths. This is now my default state since leaving Malaysia in May this year.

It is coming to four months migration to Sydney, I thought adjustment wouldn't be so hard, I thought I was prepared since I've done it before in Melbourne, but the hardest part is actually a subconscious psychological issue - lonesomeness. 

Yes, we all have modern social media. However, I knew from the start of this techno-revolution, that it's a substandard way of connecting with your loved ones and cannot replace the soul-nourishing vibes of having their presence and company. 

Everyone says to be patient, "it (adapting to a new place) doesn't happen so fast, just take baby steps and you will get there, you will make new friends". 

It annoys me that they are right/justified and I have to pull out more patience where there is none. (If only throwing dramatised fits will get you somewhere, I would so achieve everything)

HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN TO GET HERE

I have waited over 7 years to get back to Australia, I stayed for 5 years in the same company just to fulfill the requirements of the Aussie immigration policies, initiated my migration application in Aug 2017, and finally got it in Jan 2019 thanks to NSW invitation letter. So it feels like I've invested so much already, but honestly, I was always aiming for Melbourne, not Sydney. So technically I'm still waiting.

I feel disappointed that the universe isn't making my path smoother, so I tell myself that perhaps there's a good reason that I was 'called' to Sydney, maybe some greater purpose I can't yet see. This leads me to have high self-expectations, to search for this purpose, and quickly open the door that might trigger all my dreams coming true. This is the internal stress/pressure I feel, why can't I see the Universe's point of me being here?

A PERIOD OF RESPITE IN MELBOURNE

Last month, I got myself into a situation where I asked to leave the rental room I was in, but the new unit was not yet vacated, so I became technically homeless for a month.

I decided to fly over to Melbourne for that long-awaited trip, reconnecting with Aunt LB and cousins. It was so satisfying to my soul, I really felt the difference of having people that can support you if disaster strikes, its a subconscious safety net operating across every decision I make.

I could totally see the purpose of this technically unplanned trip because I felt like a useful human being again, I bought a 1-way ticket and didn't know when I would fly back to Sydney, as there was no moving out date from the tenant then. 

There I was, waiting for my new apartment, living with Aunt Elbie in Ivana's pink room. The sense that I was a squatter was displaced by having family that I trust & the knowledge that I was back in my beloved city. 

HOW MELBOURNE HAS CHANGED FOR ME

It was wondrous to see the changes to Melbourne after 9 years! Walking around the CBD gave me tingles as new high-rises and shops overlayed familiar hangout spots from my Uni days. Everywhere I look, a mental screen pops up and plays flashbacks, stirring and bittersweet, faded in reminiscence but its emotional tones still ring clear to me.

I don't know why I've been chasing the dream of moving back to Melbourne CBD for nearly a decade. But finally being on Swanston street again, the deluge of memories, the ease of navigating, access to close friends and the presence of RMIT where both my degree studies and first job were. It was just confirmation that Melbourne's appeal has not reduced for me.

I was even blessed with a last-minute booking for an Airbnb right on Swanston & Collins, at Capitol Theatre. Kiani stayed with me, Jamie visited me; and for four blissful days, I lived my dream, my ideal life.

Then the unit in Campsie was finally ready, the fairytale clock struck twelve and I flew back to my new empty Chinatown pumpkin of a home, I'm referencing Cinderella because, like her, I worked hard for years just for a few nights of magic, which just as quickly ended.

I want to summarise that basically, I'm giving myself grief on top of the stress of this new move. My heart is torn between 2 places, stuck in Sydney because of my PR needs, yet completely emotionally attached to Melbourne and the friends & family there.

Self Emotional Processing & Recording Session Complete