Journal Therapy: Preface

Date: 22/12/19
Mood: Jaded
Location: Sydney


It's been a long time since I delved into my Mind Garden. I was talking to Winson, currently visiting me during his break from research in India, and we got to talking about our inner state of mind over dinner.

He brought to my attention how I have been numbing the days away with my Netflix, wine, and chocolate, waiting for the day that solutions present themselves. The thing is that I've been feeling jaded and numb with my life's plan progress. Obviously, I thought I would be a better place, not a worse state of mind. Yet, I find myself wanting to distract my attention from the reality of what I chose for myself, which is to migrate to Australia.

I didn't choose to live in Sydney, as I have no close friends or family here. Yet this time here has served to teach me how independence changes me. It showed me how important that sense of belonging and emotional support is to me.

During this period close to Christmas, I surprise myself that I am just wanting to get over it, as it now represents a busy period of work to me, and I think nothing much of spending it with loved ones or creating that warm family ambiance where being thankful and giving is celebrated.

I look inward to seek the reasons for being so nonchalant and find that my mind is an overgrown garden. I have not wanted to tend to it, manage the overgrowth because it was easier to just tell myself that's the way nature intended it to be. Self-help gurus will tell you that there is no naturally positive or negative mindsets, only 'trained' mindsets. So perhaps I have trained a wild train of thought that leads to its own crash every time I try to focus.

In an attempt to 'reset' the mind, the conversation I had with Winson led to the conclusion that I need to do internal gardening work to find the 'roots' of the psychological issues. This work can take years, but at least I would be trying. I am at least self-aware enough to sense that I have a lot of suppression. for the long term, it is probably unhealthy to leave that alone. This period of journaling is meant to help me take stock of how to prune the growth and weed out the parasitic mold.

Like old rotting trees, they lend their surface to smaller issues, manifesting like mushrooms on a dank moist day. I get easily irritated by small challenges and take offense at the slightest comments. I know that comments are not directed at me, but even overhearing certain conversations makes me on edge, letting me know that I am taking it more negatively and personally than I need to.

I also acknowledge that I have been putting up a mental hedge to hide the issues, so much that it feels like a hedge maze, with a few rotting old trees covered in shrooms somewhere over yonder, behind my eyesight, or I should say, mindsight. I suppose I could hide things from myself psychologically, and what better way than a mental image of a maze that distracts and befuddles me whenever I get close to the center of my mind's/emotional truth.

Time to start weeding my mind, bringing to light some old rooted disorders and hopefully finding a brighter 'me'. That's all for now, I will be back to navigate my mind maze.

With love and compassion for myself, Royce.