The Transcendental Teenage Journals of Royce - 27 July 2002

PREFACE

I write from my present in 2022, and you now join me as a reader in whichever timeframe you wish; as we connect to my teenage self in 2002, age 15, through my lovesick-ening journey of being a chubby gaysian, coming-of-age in a Church-owned high school, in a third-world Islamified country.

This is part thought experiment and part self-rediscovery. A way to recognise the psychological patterns which I have turned into habits in my life. Over time, I can see my belief system sustains my actions, my actions are repeated into habits, and those habits have defined my character in the eyes of others. So, who am I...to myself though? My solution is to come up with the third part of Royce, the Transcendental Royce, to help integrate my 2 chronological selves back into where they belong in my psyche.

Proceeding to load journal entry of 27 July 2002:

[ Royce@15 ] 

I can't believe I write entries like this, by the time I'm finished with this book, Ill be done with my life too. Sooo, PMR exams is closing in like a shark. It is on 14 Oct!

I've come out to Sheryl and she thought I liked her before she found out! I had to write a secret letter to clear up her confusion. She's gets it now and I can finally tell more about how I fallen for J. It was a painful experience...but I'm trying to get over it.

[ Royce@35]  

Hey, it's been a while. I know we don't write regularly, and it is less about having writer's block and more about having 'writer's procrastination'. A journal is meant to keep record of your journey, so it is okay to log an entry occasionally, just as long as we continue to have a journey to even write about.

The anxiety I remember feeling about exams is more of the social fear of being seen falling behind your peers, and failure of your parent's investment in your future. You understand it is their 'Key Performance Indicator' for you but remember this mantra "Will It Matter In 5 Years?".

Coming out of that proverbial closet will always be a toughie. We have always rather tip-toe and peek out, instead of fully stepping out. However, you were right about being extra careful in that hyper-religious, traditional, and narrow-minded surroundings. It'll get better though.

 Royce@15 ] 

I've lost some weight, Cafe Rose has closed but I learnt alot from there. I'm wearing contacts now and the dream I had came true! Me and Rose dreamed we would move into this new house with blue walls together on the same night! She dreamed where the TV would be, and I saw my room and even the way we put the couch. After 1 week of our together-dream, dad won the 4D number and we had to move! psychic dreaming. I hope I can invite my friends to my new home and slim-down.

[ Royce@35]  

*Chuckles* ooh child..., the weight issue is going to be a life-long game of the numbers on the scale bouncing up and down. It really isn't about that though, I want to explain our root cause is being an Obsessive Compulsive eater. We eat our emotions. In fact we are always finding some replacement for our fixations. Food just happens to be necessary, but it is using it as our own punishment/reward system where we lose control.

I remember that dream still, Rose was talking about her dream when I realised the details she described were exactly the same look and theme as in my own dream. We both dreamt of the family moving into a blue-walled apartment, with a gray couch and the same layout of rooms. It was quite unbelievable because we had no plans to leave, but the landlord we rented from also wanted the unit back, pure coincidence that dad would strike the lotto and thus, we moved into an actual apartment with blue walls. You know our bloodline has the gift of Dreaming, so its something to be thankful for, at least it's a gift that hurts no one.

-END OF ENTRY-

~Transcendental Royce ~

 Looking within, I accept that my teenage self was naive but filled with hope and potential, and I also acknowledge the person I have become. I understand the fears I once had are fleeting, and the same goes for what I worry about in my present time-space. I struggle with anxieties still, but life experience gives the perspective that shrinks them, and reduces their power over us. Remember that in the light of all the glorious things we shall do and see in our journey, anxieties themselves have a part to play in motivation and goals. 

I see the cycles of trauma that return to our subconscious again and again. We still fear being left behind and lean on social power. We desire a sense of belonging, to be anchored against the waves of this rushed nomadic life. I acknowledge the sacrifices and courage you have both shown in sustaining the transcendental values of being Me, and I promise we will carry on and make every step forward purposeful, as validation for our own existence on this plane and the struggles perceived. Blessed it is and shall be.

Thank you for reading, may you all find your inner selves.😊