Sunday, 27 January 2013

My Secret Lair

I understand a lair to be this dark secret room where one might plot against the whole world or a particular superhero. I do not know if I will be sharing the ambitions of those who actually use lairs, but I definitely would like one.

The way secret lairs have been typically described, tend to be in poor and lousy conditions. Probably trying to link dirt to evil as god is to cleanliness. Yet I think a person who can devote all their time into a personal space that is furthermore kept secret, would not allow it to fall to dusty disuse.

If I had a lair...

It would be underground, hidden next to a secret garden route to provide cover when I enter my secret base. The entrance shall have to be connected to several locations at the same time via Space wormhole technology. This is in case I feel like eating KFC and Pizza at the Same Time.

My secret lair has a stylish salon as the greeting hall in case someone accidentally drops into my lair from one of the constantly connected locations. This would also serve as the preparation room before entering the proper lair. This gives the reveal an extra dose of awesome.

You walk along the entrance of black mother pearl lined with intricate veins of gold in a graphic representation of goldfishes swimming. The skylight is a visual programming to give the impression of night time in the rainforest falls. There's some digital spray mists for a realistic experience.

Your hands wave across an image that illustrates the Haiku of the day, and then Florence and The Machine plays so that you may contemplate the beautiful poetry, all whilst the circular black and gold image of earth that you are standing on begins to rotate into the next section of the wall. You are engulfed in the dark.

Mood lighting softly glows on the ceiling and the spray mists surrounds you again while rainforest birds serenade, and you do not realize that the mist is actually antibacterial spray. Just another amazingly smart idea of mine to avoid insulting other human beings. I highly recommend this method to all airline personnel that spray canned disinfectant at their customers whilst they are held captive in your cabin.

Back to my lair...

Like the crack of dawn, light creeps into your elevator and the scent of germanium, lavender and rose accompany you as you step out of the elevator. A large pillar in the center is the first thing to catch your attention because it is a humongous aquarium of tropical fish, jellyfish and my sashimi reserve included.

The interior feels like you've entered into a movie set of a few fantastical locations. The kitchen has a central island that could accomodate a chef staff of 20, in case I need people to reheat my KFC. I bring your attention to the sides of the island have been redesigned into a tiki bar called The Island, and the concept of it is that there are mini people who live on my kitchen island as a real Island, like Hawaii for example. Therefore my alcohol bottles will be redesigned into classy little bottle shaped high-rise-huts. The little island alcoholics will live in them.

We both take out the bottles and begin drinking to get the little islanders inside, out. By the time we've got them out, we were so drunk that the healthbot I have lying around began attending to us, but you threw up on it and it malfunctioned. You blacked out and I have to leave you in KFC through my connected wormhole entrance that seals off as soon as I leave you there. There is a personalized Royce chocolate in your pocket to keep you from going hungry.

I continue to enjoy construction on my secret lair.
You wake up drunk in KFC. You want to post your experience up on facebook but you don't remember the details.

Ladies and gentlemen, THAT is how you keep your lair secret.

The End.

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