Thursday, 14 September 2006

when a royce cracks

When a Royce cracks

Maybe it was my constant running from my own reality,going to clubs and keeping myself busy so I wouldn't be able to slow down and hear the emptiness of it all.Maybe it's cause I have no direction in life,no ambition.Maybe it's because I was born emotional.Maybe it's just the way it is and there is no further reason for it.

Lately everything in my life seems wrong to me.All that I do,all that I say,situations i'm in.It would be nice to have something else to blame.fate,luck,god...but I've learnt that its never tat easy.

Yesterday,the beginning of what would be a night of crying took place in the evening.I was going out with Fiona and certain people.Just as I was about to step out the door,my grandma stopped me.She demanded tat I finish off something tat could really wait.My aunt candy was also late for a movie.So with no choice I had to sit down and do calculations.Then my mom,grandma and aunt candy were all surrounding me and complaining about how I was doing this wrongly and how I don't know how to do things right.My temper came close to boiling point.Then just as im done,my granma said something to piss me off."there, I purposely wanted to do this wan,just to see wat happens." I exploded! I couldn't throw it at ah-ma but aunt candy was the next closest one.I shouted at her and tossed the file.All of them stared at me like I grew horns.

I hurriedly rushed aunt candy out the door n into the car cuz i promised to drop her to cheras.after I did tat,I felt like i needed someone,I went to look for Winson at his school and together we went to meet Fiona n her fren in KTZ.tats when i got a devastating sms,i had no idea i said such wrong things.that was another stroke on my heart.

The final stroke was in Liquid,once again three mighty strokes to crack me.Winson left us but i was really grateful for the short time he gave me.I sat down and met all those new people.then due to my already pressured soul,i started drinking those screwdrivers really fast.And those guys knew i had a certain interest in this guy,so they got me to share a graveyard with him.A graveyard is the legendary drink tat will smash any drinker cuz its mixed with 5 different types of liquor.Naturally i started getting high and gone.I was not thinking straight anymore.

then Fiona and some other guys started telling the guy that I liked him! he was like "no way,he's straight la." I was nearby and drunk already.I think this is wat happened cuz Fiona said she remembered something like tat too. He was drunk too and he started explaining how it would never work because he already comes from a famiy with a very strict mother.He thought I couldn't hear but I heard wat he meant.I was being rejected without even trying to make a move.

I cracked.

When i'm high I usually become extremely bubbly and friendly.But this time,all I could do is cry.And when I cry,everything I've ever felt sad about comes together in flashes.I saw how I used to be,I saw what i've lost,I saw the death of my own innocent ideals,the hardening of the heart.Inside i screamed for someone to be there for know that if i fell into that blackhole,someone would try to pull me out of it.I cried till I became lost.I knew being sad doesn't change anything.So I smiled. Fiona asked if I was ok and I smiled at her through all those tears.I just didn't want to feel anymore.The tears kept falling anyway.

I don't know why everything seems like tat.It's times like these i step out of my life and look at it.I see myself trying to find something that will make me real.I guess this Kinabalu trip is a good timing,perhaps its god's plan.that I may take time out and review my life. till then...bye

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