Sunday, 21 June 2009

The Deep and Heavy Issues

Everyone has issues. Some seem trivial, some seem impossible.

What does it take to jolt a person out of the calm illusion of everyday life?
What makes a person take stock of their lives and ask "If I die tomorrow, Will I die happy?" Can I say I have done my best?

The Fear of death was my 22nd birthday present.

I currently face, almost every day and every hour, the thought of death. The idea of being nonexistent. or of being aware that I am dead. Of being in a sleep-like state.

the inevitability of it. The finality of it. the end of me as I know it.

I hate this urgent feeling. The sense of the running out of time. I thought it would go away eventually. One month doesn't seem to be the cure. I know this is a can of worms that everyone tries to avoid or remedies with faith that they dare not question.

So I try to understand it. Death is inevitable, therefore just live in the present, live in the now, just live.

I want to be close to my parents. I want all my relationships to be fulfilling and close. I want to be able to die fearless and knowing it was a life worth living. I want people to know the real me.

No I do not have cancer or any known fatal disease. The doctor did not pronounce death upon me. No predictions of doom was uttered. But I just have the fear of the bad that is coming.

Living like a ticking time bomb pushes me to force change. Change is not comfortable. Change is scary. But Change is the only constant.

I've just read my sister's post about me. It galls me inside. It hurts to know you've hurt others. To hear what the person thinks about you. When all is said and done, are we still going to argue over who's right and wrong?

I don't think anybody wants to build bad relationships. How does it happen? Is it because the person is fundamentally flawed? caused by bad choices? or like she said, "all a misunderstanding" one after another till it forks a relationship apart.

Pride makes people think they're right in every situation. Doubt is buried. Regret is born. We all wish we could re-do certain things. But I am honestly sorry that I've hurt you in anyway Rose. I can't say it face to face yet. but I hope you hear me through the web. There are emotional walls I built for many years so I freeze up when it's time to feel.

But if I die, ... I want you to know that I remember chasing those butterflies too.

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